balance

This is a crazy busy semester and so far I'm loving it! I'm not drowning yet, thank God, but I need to get ahead instead of just getting by for now, 'cause I know, it'll still catch up with me.

It's really easy, it seems like, to just let life pass on by. I keep focusing on the daily things I have to do, and a few of the things I currently want to do, and then occasionally I see an old picture or... I tell a friend, "when I have my own place I'll..." do whatever. And when that happens, I remember that THIS is my life. It's happening right now. If I don't do the things I want/ love to do now, I'm not going to make time for them "when I get my own place" or "when I can finally afford it" or whatever. It's hard to remember and it's difficult to grasp, but it is true.

Often, I want to just take a day, take my paint, my easel, a bottle of wine, and a good book and drive down some freeway until I find a gorgeous spot, pull over, and just spend the day there. And I always say, "when I have someone to share that with, I'll do it." But that may not be true. It may be that when I do have someone to share it with, they feel like doing something else, or they never have time to do that, or who knows. Life.... is really strange like that. It's all a balancing act. Balancing money, job, school, family, friends, hopes, desires, work and play, whew... it's exhausting. And I'm not sure it can ever all be balanced exactly right. and maybe spending your life trying to balance everything is pointless anyway, because, no matter how hard you try, it cannot ever totally be done.

Part of me says, "striving for perfection is good!" and another part says, "why bother?! it's hopeless!" I think the answer is... strive for it, but don't be disappointed when you can't achieve it all. You have to be okay with having a stain on your couch or a person you maybe aren't perfectly top notch with....

The point is, if you're not okay with those things, then you'll never be happy. There you have it.
I think I'm done. Thanks for reading!

Marriage...

Okay, I know it's coming out now because I'm watching the Bridges of Madison County, but this is something that I've really been thinking about for a while now. I don't mean to offend anyone in asking this question.

How can anyone honestly say to a person, "Not only will I love you forever, but you will be the only person I will ever love this much or in this way." That's hopefully what people are saying when they get married, right? And not just that, of course, but also "I will commit to you, be devoted to you, and put you before myself in every decision I make."

I truly want to know... how can anyone ever guarantee all of that? There's no way one could possibly know for sure, right?

I mean, I realize that marriage is saying "forsaking all others"... so I guess it's kinda open to the possibility, but you're saying if, on the off chance (because you're not going to be looking for love anywhere else), it happened and you actually fell in love with someone else, you would forsake them... you would deny them and remember your love for your spouse and that's it. Right? And I understand how that can be a beautiful, honorable commitment thing and probably be well worth forsaking others because it's unlikely that you'll ever fall in love with someone else more, hopefully.

However, life is unpredictable. You never really know what's going to happen next. And wouldn't it be a tremendous shame to meet the love of your life and have to forsake them because of a decision you made in the past?

sigh... I get that marriage could be wonderful. But there is always that chance, when you get married, that it won't be. And that is a tremendous gamble, if you don't ever intend to get divorced. Which, of course, one should never get married because they know that if it doesn't work out, divorce is always there. Right?

Don't get me wrong, I've had my experience with divorce, and it can be, and I venture to say it usually is, a WONDERFUL thing in the lives of these two people. However, no one starts a marriage wanting to get divorced. So, if in your head, divorce isn't an option for you... how can anyone honestly say... "for better or worse", and truly truly mean that?? I understand that it's a truly selfless thing to live life for someone else, and the only way to truly love anyone. However, it seems that if you don't truly love them for the rest of your life, you would just end up resenting them for that. Plus, if you fall in love with someone else, and feel trapped... then you probably aren't emotionally prepared to take care of anybody else. Right?

Am I making any sense at all? sigh.

Just a little update

So, I thought maybe I should put something regarding my life in this blog. You know, and how it's currently going.

Well, I just finally registered for classes for this Spring 2011 Semester, which is awesome, 'cause I wasn't sure I'd be able to go back this Semester. The fees went way way up and I owed the school a lot of money. By the grace of God I have that all paid off, and am now preparing for another Hell semester, in which I will somehow pass all my classes, give a killer recital, perform in West Side Story, and get a job sufficient enough to pay off the fees for this semester and save up for the Memorial Hermann Massage and Spa Therapy School this Summer. Sounds impossible, but I'm gonna do the best I can.

Schola Cantorum (the choir I'm in at HBU) is going to Vienna in August of this year, and while Vienna is like my second home, and I've wanted to go back ever since I left in 2008... going this year with them is really just a pipe dream. It all depends on the fund raising we are able to do. I'm not expecting anything amazing to happen... trying not to get my hopes up. But there is that slight slight SLIGHT possibility. :)

My family is a happy, healthy bunch, and I am overly blessed to have them in my life. I've been able to spend lots of time with my nieces and nephew over Christmas, and of course, am eternally grateful for every second of that precious time. I know I say I don't want kids, for practical reasons, but deep in my soul, of course I love kids... especially these kids!! I'm the luckiest Aunt on the planet.

Lily-20 months

Cassidy-5 and Logan-3 1/3

On top of this... anytime me and my three siblings are actually all together at once is a rarity and a blessing.

Mom, Keren, Caleb, Me and Chris

And so, life goes on. It's scary, and never perfect, but I feel so lucky to have these people in it.

I hope y'all all had a wonderful 2010 and I hope for an incredible 2011!!!

little things > big things

The little things make up the big things.... so they matter just as much, if not more.

Seriously. This includes all sorts of things. It can be applied to almost every aspect of life. One such aspect is this: you can tell someone you love and respect them all day long, but if your actions say otherwise (even your small actions), that says a whole lot more.

Some examples, for those who still don't know what I mean: interrupting someone, talking over someone, demeaning them in any way, even in a "joking" manner. These things are rude. The responses you get from doing them are deserved. So stop doing them. There's nothing funny or cute about them.

I am so sick and tired of dealing with this from people and then getting told I'm overreacting when I get mad about them, and to "let it go". I've spent my life being stepped on, disrespected, and belittled, often in a "joking" manner. It's never been funny, but I've always put up with it. I've always "let it go," especially since it's often been people close to me.

I'm done. I should never have put up with it, and now I'm done.

Thank God

I have been going without a steady job for.... 8 months now, and through His grace, I have been able to stay afloat. And now, I do have a steady job, except I'm not killing myself like I was at Papasito's-- I'm just singing in a choir at a church and babysitting, and I am so so grateful for the ability to do this. I complain about being stuck at home a lot, but in all honesty, I am extremely blessed to still have that kind of relationship with my mother, and my new (-ish) step-dad and to have the ability to live at home with them. Especially in this insane economy, I know I could never afford my own place while going to school full-time.

I am writing this because I complain a lot. We've all got problems (especially my fellow huskies and I, right now) and there is always soooo much to get off of our chests. So I'm writing this to acknowledge the fact that there is also soooo much to be thankful for. We tend to take it for granted. We forget that that homeless person on the corner begging, could absolutely be us someday. It could. America is not a bubble of ignorant happiness, as we would like to believe. Things can, and are, going wrong everyday, and this country could absolutely fall flat on its face. In fact, it's well on its way to doing so. So be grateful... for every day you have a roof over your head, a bed to sleep on, a car to take you from here to there, the ability to go and get that education that we SO take for granted.... truly think about the fact that we could go on forever listing all the things we have that we take for granted. God never said life would be easy.... I'm pretty sure that nobody ever said that. They said it'd be hard... but believe it or not, it is also worth it. It really is, or at least it can be. It's up to you.

"Life is what you make of it; kinda like Play-Do." So make it great. We forget that at the end of the day, how our day went totally depends on us... how we react to things, how we handle them, what we did with our day. We also forget to think about other people more than we think of ourselves. 'Cause it's our life, right?! We should be front and center, duh!!! But the truth is, that selfish attitude is what has made the world as corrupt and evil as it is today. Imagine for a second if everyone put those they love before themselves in every decision they made. Now I know it's difficult, but imagine that people didn't just put those they loved before themselves all the time, but in some situations even put strangers before themselves. Imagine how incredible that world would be.

I'm often reminded of a scene from the first Sex and the City movie:
Samantha: "I can't believe that my life revolves around a man. On what planet did I allow that to happen?"
Charlotte: "But you love him!"
Samantha: "Does that mean saying his name 50 times more a day than I say my own? Does it mean worrying about him and his needs before me and mine? Is it all about the other person? Is that love?!"

I'm convinced that, yes, that is exactly what love is. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying completely forget about yourself. You can't possibly take care of anyone else if you're not being taken care of. I'm just saying that a persons' decisions, even regarding there own life, are NEVER going to only affect themselves, and if we don't start thinking about the other people we're affecting, how can we ever expect to make this world any better? The people we love should be the reason we take care of ourselves, you know? They are what make life worth living. They should be the most important thing in our lives; not ourselves.

For the record: I do not always do this. I am not yelling at everyone else for being selfish. I simply mean to give myself, and my friends, a friendly reminder of what love is and what is truly important in life, because I know how easy it is to get caught up in the mundane and forget.

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps in some small way. I love you all! Goodnight.

New Friends

It's amazing to me how instantly and completely new friends can change your life. I love meeting new people; you never know what you'll find there. I've been very lucky to get to know some people I've gone to school with for a while now, and they're just... wonderful people. I don't know how I'd get through the rest of my 2+ years at HBU without them. God truly does provide what we need, in his time.

It's funny how I'm going through life, doing my thing, and I've looked around me and found that many people in my generation are on the same general track. They want the same things I do. Many don't want kids, or at least aren't sure about it. Many aren't sure about ever getting married. Many want to travel rather than settle down. Many want to shoot for their dreams rather than get all the bills paid at a job that they hate. I feel less alone in all of these things. I find it so interesting that I've met so many people who feel the same way I do about so many things. I suppose it's a cultural shift, and not just a me thing, but that's okay. Culture is bound to influence our lives; I just hope and pray it's what God wants, and that it's for the best.

It's often so difficult for me to know for certain what God wants for me in my life. But being true to who I am (who He's made me to be) is the best way that I've figured out so far.
I can't wait to share a great apartment with my friend, Gerardo.
I can't wait to live in Vienna for a time and see who I meet there, and possibly take some friends with me.
I can't wait to graduate and go live in Austin.
I pray to God for the strength to follow my heart and not be afraid to keep an open mind, because being open to new things and following your heart is the only way to live life to the fullest and be there for your loved ones, and anyone else you may come into contact with. I'm also certain that it's the only way to truly share God's love.

performing

I often feel pretty crappy about the state of the world and life lately. I often feel like nothing I do really matters, and the world is just going to continue going to pot and there's nothing I can do about it. And while that may be true, for some reason, when I go to this opera rehearsal I've been doing, I immediately feel ten thousand times better. I had a whole post written out before I went to rehearsal full of complaints about the world and not knowing what I could possibly do about it. But now I feel like, sure, the world may keep on sucking, but I'm going to do the best I can to make it better, and I feel like when I'm performing, somehow, I'm doing that. Maybe it's just my life I'm making better, but I feel like, and I hope, that it rubs off on others. It may be stupid, but it makes life better, and I'm not going to argue with that.