drowning

I am feeling sooo overwhelmed I don't know what to do. I don't have time to do anything. I don't have time to write this post, or take any time at all for myself, but I have to. I just can't seem to focus only on all the ridiculous amounts of work I have to do. I have no idea if I'm actually going to pull it off, and yet, if I don't pull it off, I'm screwed. There goes the past 6 years of my life trying to achieve a college degree. I'm 23. When did things get so heavy? When did life just start to collapse in on me? Don't talk to me about relying on God. What does that mean exactly? He's not going to do it all for you. You have to try. You have to do what you can, right? You have to bust your butt. He's not going to get this degree for me; I have to do that. And I am not the student I need to be to do that. I focus on one thing, then another thing falls apart. I focus on one class, then another classes grade falls apart. I focus on my crummy little job, and then come home and focus on my degree, and then go back to work like I'm a beginner again. I'm killing myself in the process of trying to grow up. How does anyone balance everything? I really want to just give up: go crawl into bed and not come out until this is all over, whatever "this" is.

people = stupid??

Truly... I wonder sometimes. We're supposed to be intelligent beings, right? How come I hear about all these intelligent people, but meeting them in person is so exceptionally rare? Most of our clientel where I work don't know the difference between cappuccino and latte... mocha and coffee. Seriously... what is wrong with people? We have the internet, where you can literally find out anything you want to know in complete privacy and almost instantly, and yet I swear we're getting dumber and dumber. So, what is it? Do we expect to be handed everything and therefore, have we become nothing but a bunch of lazy idiots? By "we," I'm hopefully just talking about Americans, but then it's probably only a matter of time before it echo's into the rest of the world. Ya know, America used to be where all the people who needed freedom from their countries came, and innovated, and invented, and created a whole new country, and anyone could become anything they wanted, and anything could happen. Where is that America now? 'Cause almost all I see everywhere I go is a bunch of lazy idiots who expect to be given everything, expect that no matter what happens in the rest of the world, our country will continue on being free and "happy." Not to mention a bunch of crazed, busy, frantic people who don't think food in a restaurant should ever take more than 15 minutes (food takes time to cook people, and even longer to get ordered and made correctly), hate their jobs/ lives and don't ever seem to stop and think, "what can I do to make this world better?" or hell, just THEMSELVES better!! They just keep going with the vain, ignorant hope that everything will work out okay. And, in the meantime, treating everyone around them as if they do not matter half as much as them.

I know people have been convinced the world is going to hell for centuries, constantly asking, "what is this world coming to," and it hasn't quite imploded yet, but how bad does it have to get before WE CHANGE IT!!! I really don't get it. God gave you a brain people. THINK!! Treat others as if they matter, maybe even more than you, 'cause guess what... THEY PROBABLY DO!! Let's just go with that: they probably do. 'Cause who can say otherwise? Just God. When you go to a restaurant, recognize that the hostess/ waitress is probably a high school girl trying to save up for college, or a car, or to help her family make ends meet in these difficult times. And recognize that if you have to wait an hour for a table on a Saturday night, THAT'S NOT HER FAULT!! Don't treat her like a servant, 'cause she's not one. Treat her as you would like someone to treat your daughter/ sister/ mother/ wife. When you criticize the celebrities that we all love to criticize so much, try to let some part of you remember that they are not perfect, they are not out there to be a good example for our kids or whatever. They are just people.... people who wanted to act, or sing, or whatever... and they're trying to figure life out just like we all are. Don't use whatever complaint you can come up with about wherever you're shopping/ eating/ staying as an excuse to show off by complaining and acting like an arrogant jackass. Treat people like people. Why is that so hard? When people work under you, that does not mean that you can/ should treat them like dogs/ servants. Recognize that you should treat them with the same amount of respect that they show you (which yes, aught to be a lot).

That was a really long soap box rant, and I'm sorry, but I'm just currently astonished by the number of people who don't know or enact these basic truths. A person's a person no matter how small/ big/ dark/ light/ skinny/ fat/ morose/ cheerful/ rich/ poor...... blah blah blah. Get off your high horse. Learn a thing or two about the world. There's a lot more to it than just what you see in your tiny, narrow perspective.

I'm going to use that last sentence as a cheerful reminder that hopefully, (I pray, dear God, pleeeaaaaseee!!!) not everyone is a selfish idiot, no matter how strongly it may seem that way.

okay...

So I'm done with the "working out" entries. At least for now. I mean, 1- I haven't been working out. This has been the week from hell, and this semester doesn't look like it's gonna lighten up. 2- No one's commenting or encouraging me or anything, and that is kinda the point of it, so, forget it. I'll just write when/ what I feel like writing.

Which, right now is... THANK GOD FOR THIS WEEKEND! I've been busting my ass writing a paper all week. One which I, very stupidly, put off until the last minute. These days, I feel so overwhelmed with school, I guess I just put things out of my mind and try to deal with what's in front of me (which is a lot in itself). But that means that these things sneak up on me, and that is very very incredibly and potentially academically fatally awful. lol. (I dunno if that was the correct way to put those words together, but hopefully you understand what I mean.) So, I don't really know the best way to fix that, but I'm just going to try and tackle everything as early as possible. It's difficult though when I finally get some time to myself to sit and relax, to spend it doing hw. Such is, sadly, the life of a full time college student, though. I wish I didn't have to be full time for my scholarship. Or I wish that the school system understood that full time for a music student is far worse than the normal full time. I mean, choir is like an hour credit course, but we meet every single day and have rehearsals and concerts outside of it, and if we're a good choir, then that takes us working on our part outside of class as well. Then there's Private Voice which, I've got a recital to give this semester, so hopefully that explains why I'm going so insane. I'm really beginning to wonder if I am physically and mentally capable of doing all the things I need to do this semester. And I don't think having a recital adds any official hours to my course-work... which is insane. I could go on all day, but to sum up, how the hell does anybody do this?? I fell like my life has to be on hold until I graduate, but oh wait, IT CAN'T. I still have family commitments, financial issues, and a million other struggles to deal with.

Sigh, I dunno... but here I go to try. Thanks, to those of you who actually do read this.