ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

I've been a nervous wreck pretty much all summer. Trying to decide on where/ when to move, what to do, what car to get (if I should get a car), how to do this and that, applying everywhere, changing my mind and driving myself crazy. Literally, since I graduated... yes, I felt relief that my degree was finally accomplished... I just also had a million decisions hanging over my head.

But now, I finally went through with something! I made a decision, and I bought a car. Strange how buying a car can feel so... liberating. I still have a million more decisions to make, but just having this one thing nailed down... it's like I'm suddenly... confident that I can make the right decisions for me. Like I don't have to agonize over them quite so much because deep down, I know what's best for me. I just have to follow that.

I will be moving soon. Many people in my life have their opinions about this move and whether it's smart or not. I have a great place to stay now with plenty of space and freedom. Many people have asked me "Why would you want to leave? You've got it made!" I have been very blessed with a family that loves me and has given me SOOO much. And sometimes I do feel very conflicted about leaving. I am giving up a lot. I'm giving up this security that I've pretty much always had: my home. I'm giving up being able to see my Mom, my family, and my friends in Sugar Land whenever I want. I'm giving up a steady babysitting job with an amazing family and two kids that I've been able to watch grow for the past 2 years! I'm giving up a group of co-workers that have taught me a lot and make me love my job!

It's not easy... it's incredibly difficult, actually... and yet, I'm still going through with it. And my reasons for going through with it may not make any logical sense to some of you. My reason is simply this: I need a new perspective. I've had this perspective of life for a long time, and it's been a good one, but I feel I've learned pretty much all I can from it. I've learned that the only way to ever truly understand something is to look at it from every angle. It's time for a new one. It's time to see life differently. And I can't wait.

Thanks to my sister, Keren, for encouraging me at every step and for giving me the opportunity to pull this off right now. It looks like one really, incredibly small step from mankind's perspective... but it's a giant leap for me.

to Au Pair or not to Au Pair... that is the question.

I loved Europe when I was there the last time. This would be an entirely new experience, however. I have already found a family who is interested. I would be in the country in Germany taking care of a 5 year old boy helping him learn English fluently, driving him around, feeding him, helping keep house, helping his family as they move from Amsterdam to South Germany, I'd get to learn German IN GERMANY.... It all sounds very exciting!

On the other hand... I could do what I've been planning on doing and buy a car and move in with my sister. I would work at Sbux in the mornings and pick up her girls from daycare in the afternoon. I could be in my life... be "Aunt Candace." I could study German there if I want. It'd be a lot less expensive and less trouble... less risk. But what is life without risk?!!!

Au Pairing is a wonderful thing! You get to experience another country, another family, a different way of life!! It's educational and exhilarating! But it's also... kind of like taking a year off from your own life and... fitting yourself into someone else's life.

I loved the experience before... I would LOVE to do it again... but how would I feel in a year when I came back to my own life? Wouldn't it be exactly what it is now? Wouldn't I be picking it back up and trying to do exactly what I'm trying to do now, only a year later?

I hate time. If only we didn't have to make decisions like this... if only, we could choose both! I don't want to be 26 and no further along in MY OWN life than I am now... but these experiences don't come along all the time. It's a great opportunity. And maybe I would learn more than I can imagine I might learn now.

They are both exciting ways to step out on my own a little bit... and both are safety nets. One is just... more of a natural path in my life and the other is... a totally separate, alien adventure. That one is also... more expensive and risky. Who's to say which would be more enriching and fulfilling?! Only God, really. Hope he hits me over the head with what HE wants very soon.

**Trying to think of how I'll feel in 10 or 20 years... and no matter what, I think I'd still always wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen the other option. sigh... they should make pills for this.