Walls

People often test my limits. When I confront them about it, they just say that it's fun.

I'm pretty much an open book, and some people are REALLY good at reading me. And MANY people throughout my life have done and continue to do this with me. I'm just a naturally trusting person, and it's gotten me hurt in the past.

This fact has caused me to become very defensive and maybe miss out on what could be some great friendships.

I found this article (that unfortunately revolves around horoscopes) but it pretty much hits the nail on the head for me:

"Sensitive. Any critique can seem like an especially scathing remark to her though she may not verbalize it. Her heart has noted any wounds to it as an indelible memory until it can have its vindication. She has a connection with history and likes to show it with a display of a collection of antiques or old portraits or paintings in her home. This appeals to her sense of continuity. She likes a strong sense of security in life and love. In a partner she expects stability and you will need to court her romantically. She will be passionate and faithful once she’s yours. Whoever coined the phrase “Ride or Die” was probably referring to a Cancer woman. Her loyalty seems to know no bounds. Her devoted nature and desire to please her partner make her one of the most satisfying sexual partners of the zodiac. She has to know that she can trust you before she will let go of her inhibitions. Doting on her partner is not limited to the bedroom. She loves to, and can cook well and keeps a tidy home making her an excellent housewife if she so chooses. If you are in search of a sensual, loving partner who makes you feel at home Cancer is your answer."

Also, I don't know how Billy Joel knows me so well:

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I'm not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

So, in conclusion…
Fear of getting hurt has kind of crippled me. I'm not sure how I got here exactly, but I know I need to let go and start trusting people again. Even new people. Scary. But until I do that, I know I'll be missing out on a lot of great relationships.

Also, I don't know why I can't get rid of that text highlight.

Fuck this

My mind is reeling in confusion and anger. I'm not sure what I'm angry about, I just know that I need to figure out what to do, and I've been trying to do just that for years and seem to get absolutely fucking nowhere. All I do is change my mind and tear myself down. Joe says I should just do and stop thinking so much, and maybe he's right, but I don't know what I should do first. The first big choice I have to make is either to go back to school or to get a better job, but if I go back to school I need to fucking decide and get on it 'cause it's already June. Great timing, Candace; you dip-shit. I guess I just need to relax and take it one step at a time, but dear God, I'm running out of time and this is exhausting. I can't stay in this place forever, nor do I want to... in fact I cannot wait to get the fuck out, and yet I have no idea how to move on.

I'm sure all this is coming out and I'm feeling so angry right now because I'm on my fucking period. Whatever caused God to decide to torture women this way... this is bullshit. Our hormones are just allowed to go insane once a month? How are we supposed to stay rational and get shit done this way??? Why'd you give us these crazy hormone's God? When I get to heaven, that may be the one thing I ask you. It's all I care about right now, anyway. They're evil. I don't know what we did that guys didn't do to deserve this... is it all just because Eve listened to Satan and ate that fucking Apple? 'Cause that was her, not me!! ugh. Fuck this.

yep, I'm still not sure.

Just dropped the girls off at school. I didn't get to see them that much this weekend, because I was doing stuff "for me" like hanging with my friends by the river, or by the pool when I wasn't at work. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome, but I missed those girls. I really wanted to keep Evelyn home today, but I know I need to take this day and use it to be productive.

Living here has it's ups and downs just like anywhere would... but the ups are HUGE. Keren made the very good point that once I do officially move out and have my stuff in an apartment or somewhere, that's it- I'll be paying rent and other bills for the rest of my life.

I want my own space that is mine. I've wanted it for 10 years, but I know it would be idiotic to move out and not have the money to support myself. I'm considering lots of directions to go in. I could go back to school (ick), I could maybe, hopefully find an internship? I have more financial freedom right now than I ever will again, especially after I move out.

But oooohh, I cannot wait to have a place that is mine. Where I can stay up as late as I want, decorate however I want, watch and cook whatever/ whenever I want, only have me to worry about- my dishes, my laundry, and THAT'S IT!

I know I don't have to have my life figured out to just take a job that pays the bills. I'm just scared to end up stuck in a job/ life that I hate. I know it's ultimately up to me, but it happens to people all the time- especially in this economy. You gotta pay the bills, you gotta work, and sometimes people get stuck. I don't want to waste my life being stuck. I'm 25, single, childless, got my degree... this should be the best time of my life. Instead I'm just unsure and confused.

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Mahatma Ghandi

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible." -Margret Drabble

Infinity

How do you feel infinite? I haven't felt that way in a long time. Yes, I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. :) How can anyone not feel philosophical after that? If you haven't seen it, please do. I don't even think it's one of those movies where you really "should" read the book first... the movie sums it up very nicely.

Anyway, I have friends. I'm not just a loner. Although, lately, I definitely feel like one. I just don't know how to take the next step in my life. I'm "supposed" to know what to do by now, and I don't. Sometimes I feel just as confused as I was 10 years ago. The high school kids in movies often seem to have a better understanding... definitely of high school than I did at the time, and probably a better idea about life than I do now. I've even made new friends since moving to here, they're all just very busy. I'm not. I like it that way, though. I like being able to read books, watch movies, listen to music, clean, talk to my friends on the phone, maybe get lunch with one of them. I like having time to do the things I want to do... even if I don't do enough of them 'cause I'm so broke.

I know I need to be finding a way to get entirely on my own feet. I've been harping on this topic for a long time now, and I'm sure what few readers I do have are quite tired of it, and for that I'm very sorry. Honestly, I'm truly sick of talking about it, I just don't know what else to do. Or really, what people keep telling me to do is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't see the point in pretending to be this amazing person and going on all these interviews just to get what? All I've found are crummy jobs. The last thing I want is to end up in a job I hate. No one wants that... maybe me least of all, 'cause everyone still seems to go do it. I feel like it would be a waste of life to do that. I'm interested in lots of things; shouldn't I - shouldn't we all be able to do the things we love doing in our lives? Not just me - Everybody!

I can go anywhere and do anything with my life at this point. I'm done with school; nothing is tying me down to any one spot... although at this point, it's going to be even harder to move far away than it would've been if I'd done so right after graduating, 'cause I'm going to miss seeing my sister's family every day. But I can't stay here for them; I have to go and do something for me, which may sound selfish, but it will be a much better example set for my nieces in the long run, anyway.

My point is, my future is kind of directionless, and that's good and bad. I wish I were a more decisive person, but I love too many things, I guess... if that's possible. What I, and I think everyone loves and needs most of all, are those infinite moments, as described in the aforementioned film. The one's where you know more than ever that you're alive. That you're not just a sob story, an after-school special, a cautionary tale... you are you, and you are amazing, and your life is a meaningful gift and you're truly reveling in it. We could all use more of those moments, of course. We let the world get in the way of those moments far, far too often.

Pray for me as I will for thee. We all need it. Love you.

"grown up"

Gonna be honest, I'm on my second glass of wine, so... this post should be fun.

I've decided that I need to grow up... I know. I've been putting it off, as I'm sure y'all can understand. Being a grown-up truly sucks in many ways. I have to figure out one single thing that I'm good at and love enough to do at least 40 hours a week so I can live on my own?? Who created this system? Does anyone love any one thing that much? I don't want something I love to turn into something I'm forced to do, but c'est la vie, I guess. Is there a job where I can get paid to travel all over the world doing whatever I want? 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd rock at that!

As I search for a job I can stand and make money at... I'm going to try to truly appreciate my borrowed time here with my sister and her beautiful family. I can't, nor should I, invade on them forever... but while I'm here, I get to see 2 of my nieces every single day... and they're pretty amazing.

Now, I'm not sure I'll plan to have kids of my own, and kids definitely present many burdens... but damn... I'm learning just how worth it they are in the end. I mostly think I would just drive myself insane trying to be the best mother on the planet, and then end up screwing them up some monstrous way despite all my efforts. You know, 'cause it's pretty much impossible not to, eh? Anyway... I could go on and on about these girls, and how amazing they are... and they're not even technically mine, so living with them everyday is an extraordinary blessing.

And not only that, but I've really missed my sister. Growing up, we lived in the same room, and for crying out loud, we even shared the same queen size bed... and through it all, we've remained really close. She never tormented me like other big sisters might have done, even though I was probably just as annoying as any little sister you ever heard of. I don't know how or why, but we just mesh... without her, I don't make sense, and that's the way it will always be.

I've loved living here, but I've also been... distracted by the desire to move out and... now I'm realizing how difficult and just flat stupid that would be to do before I find a better paying job. And not just that, but what an amazing opportunity this is!! To live rent free, but also not in my hometown? No offense, Sugar Land, but you're kinda boring. I see the same people everywhere I go, and the only thing fun to do is go out to eat/ drink.. and Houston ain't much better. I need to start taking advantage of being near Austin, with it's film/theater/music/etc... if I can't find my niche here, then where the hell can I?

Anyway, I've been settling in here and whatever, but now that's over. It's time to get crackin'... so please pray for me... and here I go!