I just feel like writing today. No idea what will come of this post.

I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.

So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.

For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.

Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.

**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?

We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]

life altering decisions

Oh wait, that's pretty much every one you make... but seriously, every single one I'm making right now is life altering. It's scary and overwhelming and doesn't help with the indecisiveness... hence this post. :)

1- moving out.
I will be 25 in 9 days. I'm not judging people my age and older who still live at home. The economy blows and everyone has their own circumstances. However, for me, it's about damn time. Okay, I've been attending school 20 minutes away since high school, so I don't think there's any shame that I've been at home this long. And I wouldn't be "ashamed" to stick around... but I might be a little ashamed of myself, because I know I can do it. I need to do it. For myself. Financially, it'll never be logical to move out. I can't even bear the thought of putting it off. I see no really good reason to! I have to do it now. I have to go for it. That's just the way it is.

Why San Marcos/ Austin? I want to get out of this city and if I'm going to get out of this city, that is where I want to go. It's beautiful, and filled with good opportunities for me. I've got a possible roommate lined up. My sister lives there, so I have some help and get to see them! Plus, I've looked at apartments around here and found squat that I can afford. So, I think this is a great first step for me.

2- the car situation.
My car finally died for good. It took me on one last road trip to visit some amazing friends and thank GOD it didn't break down on some hwy between here and Corpus in the dark... but now it is officially scrap metal. It's a miracle I made it (almost) home in that. So... now comes the hard decisions. In SL, one has to have a car. There's no public transportation and everything is too spread out and non-bike-friendly to get around any other way. As long as I'm here, I need a car. So... rent a car? That's incredibly expensive and you get nothing back.  I have been considering this option though, because cars are incredibly expensive and if I could only live without one for a few weeks and maybe move somewhere I don't need a car, then that would be LOTS of money saved! However, that means juggling finding a job/ apartment within walking/ bike-riding distance or along a line of public transportation. And then there's rain to consider. Barrow a car? That's what I've been doing, because a family member doesn't need theirs right now, but that's a lucky break and cannot last for long. Once they need their car back, you can only bum rides for so long. It's unreliable, and not fair to the people helping you out. Buy a car? There are a few good options I've found in that area. If I can find a good used car that will last me a few years and not use my entire savings on it, that would be awesome. Unfortunately, that rules out saving money on car insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. But it leaves the apartment/ job searches a lot more open. Lease a car? cheaper monthly payments. reliable car. don't know if I can move out and do this, but... mmmmaybe, if I bust my ass.*massive sigh* There are just way too many pro's and con's to each option.

3- the job situation.
I work at Starbucks and frankly, I love it. If I can transfer soon, then I'll have a job where I'm moving to. One with benefits, and one I already know how to do. However, I'm going to need another job and/or a better job if I'm going to last on my own. I don't want a "career." I want to live life doing things I love. I guess everyone does, but not everyone has the balls to do it. Well, I want to be one of those people who does, 'cause I don't see a point to living life any other way.

I always say, "I am the most indecisive person on the planet," and I'm just growing to believe it more and more. I look at every decision from every angle trying to make the best decision for me. It's both a gift and a curse because I end up spending most of my time asking friends/ family what they would do and listening and weighing each option and hardly any time actually PICKING an option and DOING it. I've gotta get over this or I'm never going to get anywhere. This kind of thinking, in turn, is making me want to throw caution to the wind and just go for it! Irresponsible, yes, but I'm single and childless, so why not?! Being a little irresponsible can be good for the soul.