Hopes and motivations

 Hello All!

So.... I have had a hell of a week.

The part I really want to talk about is the struggle of changing ones habits, which I'm finally trying to do again, so I'll talk about that first and then fill y'all in on some other stuff.

Soooo.... my cholesterol is super high. It runs in my family, so it's not surprising, but it's way higher than I thought it would be at my age, so I've gotta change my habits.

I've always struggled with my workout habits. I played soccer as a kid and LOVED it, and always prided myself on doing all of the laps in the PACER, which for those who don't remember is the running back and forth across the gym thing. We got a 100 if we made it to 81 (I think it was) and I made it every time. I felt like I loved to run, so I joined track in middle school.

Then my joints started hurting, starting at my ankles, then to my knees, etc. So I went up to my coach and asked her how to strengthen my joints, because I felt like my joints were going to give out. And she responded, "Well, you know your body. If you can't run, you can't run!"

I wish this hadn't broken my spirit, but it did. I assumed that I just wasn't built to run and I quit.

Now, I want to go back in time and say, "dude, I'm 12! I don't know my body!" and then go off and ask someone who could actually help me, but alas, I have no time machine.

I thought about trying out for the soccer team in HS, but I (very naively) thought that I already had to be good at soccer by then to make the team, and I didn't think I was good enough so I didn't try out. Plus I was already a theater/choir nerd, so I had enough to do after school.

There's more to my not-working-out-on-a-regular-basis story, but I think you get the basis of it. The only things to add are, 1- that I had some major body image issues, and 2- that I cannot afford a gym and live in TX where it's hot as balls most of the year round. Oh, and that matters because 3- I'm very sensitive to heat. Always have been. I turn red and get called a "tomato" and feel embarrassed and gross.

So now, I need to change that habit... at the age of 35. I know it's possible and I hope I can stay this committed to doing it.

Now's a good time of year to start, and I have. Even though I'm still getting over a ridiculous allergy attack, I've been taking meds, drinking lots of water, starting to eat better, and have gone hiking almost every day for the past week. I'm starting slow, and with a dog who wants to stop way too often, but I started and I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep it going.

Here's my big dilemma thus far: Why do people procrastinate things they want to do??

I finally did go hiking the other day, but I planned to go much earlier in the day and procrastinated until about noon.

I have plenty of excuses for that, but this is a thing I've done a lot in the past, too. Do we just put off things for drama? Is this a thing y'all have done before or do y'all not have any idea what I'm talking about? I'd love some genuine answers to this quandary, if you've got them.

Anyway, I went, so I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep doing it, every fucking day that it's remotely possible.

The other big thing going on with me, I have to be super vague about because it involves very private people. Someone I love needs help and has never been one to accept it, and it's left me at a loss for what to do. They don't seem to understand how much their own well-being matters either, which is incredibly frustrating. They're willing to accept a garbage deal even when people are trying to deal them something better. Stubborn doesn't begin to explain it.

Basically, I love them and want to help, but they won't let me and it's a horrible, stressful, hopeless feeling.

I probably don't say enough how much I love the kids I nanny for. I am forever grateful to this wonderful family for giving me this job and treating me with so much respect, and as if I'm one of the family. The kids, in particular, are a hopeful light in my life that will never cease to amaze me. Same with my nibblings, especially Keren's kids, since they're the ones I see all the time, but also Caleb's since somehow, even though they're teenagers, they still make time for me in their lives. These kids are my personal motivation for bettering the world and myself. I can't give up, because their futures and lives depend on the world, and all I have is my example, so I've got to do what little I can do for them.

I'm very lucky to have jobs, wonderful apartment management, my health (mostly), pets, family, and friends that are there for me. I don't take any of those things for granted.

First update in so long that I'm basically a whole new person now.

Hello whomever actually cares to read this. I haven't written in here in for-fucking-ever, so...

Progress I've made:

— I've lived in my own apartment, roommate-less, for almost 5 years now.

— I have deconstructed from my toxic upbringing of Christianity and am now an Agnostic Atheistic Humanist. Always have been a humanist, really, I just finally learned that word.

— I have become completely comfortable with the idea of not "ending up" partnered, or in a couple. I would rather be my happily single self forever rather than allow "just anyone" in to my sacred space. Anyone I allow into my space must make that space better. That's it. If we don't make each others spaces/lives better, then it wouldn't be healthy, so fuck that.

New Goals in Life:

— Continue to be financially able to live alone.

— Find a job I can more comfortably support myself with. One where I can travel, either within my career or within my time and financial budget.

— Build healthier habits: (physical and mental)

— Make more space for friendships. 

I could go on, but I think I need to accomplish those things first before I can accomplish much else.

I am very proud of myself for escaping from a brainwashing cult, which I now believe all religions to be.

Also the brainwashing cult of the idea of "Happily Ever After."

I am strong and incredible for those reasons and many other reasons.

I often feel weak because I do not "fit in" to this corporatist, capitalist society that humans have created. I'm trying not to compare myself to other people here, because I know that is wrong and invalid.

I am still at Starbucks. It's been 11.5 years. I became a manager a few years ago, hated life during that time, and stepped the fuck back down to barista, where I am perfectly happy. I worked at a winery for a time and it was a wonderful time until it wasn't. Since then, I've been a nanny for a wonderful family for the past 7~ years. I am so lucky to have found them. They are incredible people who treat me like family.

I do not want to continue being a nanny after they no longer want one. I love kids. They are a unique and beautiful challenge in life. That career has been a safe, stable place for me to go throughout my life, and I'm grateful for that. It afforded me the opportunity to travel to Austria when I was 20! It has been a wonderful experience where I've learned a lot... but I need to try something new.

So I need a career change. My degree is in vocal performance, and now I do not want to teach voice lessons. I never really did. I have no idea what one thing I could ever want to do for a living. I want to learn and do everything, but that costs money.

Another problem is that whenever I try to seek a new career path, the searching leads me to depression, so I avoid it.

I need to be more focused. I need to not let myself get bogged down. I cannot go back to school because I can't afford it and my apartment, so I refuse. This leads me back to, our society is a disaster. Thank goodness for libraries, because I think they have a program in place to help me, hopefully.

---Weeks went by before I wrote what comes next...---

I've been attending weekly one-on-one coaching sessions for the past 3 weeks. They've helped me get motivated to search for jobs once a week, at least. They've taught me that my circular arguments I often have with myself are "thinking traps." Not sure I know how to get out of those thinking traps, but still, knowing is the first step, right?

To give you, dear reader, an example of my thinking traps they tend to consist of the following:

"I need to make more money. I also need a job to replace nannying because they aren't going to need me for much longer." *proceed to never want to search for jobs and when I do only find jobs I have no desire to do, or scams, or things I'm unqualified for.* "All these jobs suck. I'm not qualified for anything I want to do. Learning how to do that costs money. I don't have the money for that. No job is going to want to teach me all that. Fuck this." etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Anyway, the coaching sessions have shown me that I'm really happy in my day-to-day life right now... I just want to make more money so that I can do fun things and progress. That's it. I am proud of my jobs and I'm good at my jobs. I enjoy the schedule and support they give me. I just need to make more money. Kirsten, my coach, has tried to help me focus only on the things I can control. I can't control the economy or the lack of pay being offered in most jobs. I can demand more money in my future job interviews. That is certainly something that everyone, especially women, need to start doing more of, clearly. It's also somehow, something I, at least, was never told I "had the right" to do. I don't know why that's in quotes. No one said that to me word-for-word. But somehow, we all got that impression right? Or is it a Texas culture thing? If only salaries were required to be listed on job postings, as is now law in NY.

Knowing and acknowledging our own value is another thing we need to start doing. I don't have a lot of the skills that I want or think I need, but I do still have skills and the desire/willingness to learn new things. I am a responsible, capable adult and I need to fight for myself. I am curious and intelligent. I am reliable. I am hardworking. I am generally really great at interacting with the public, as long as they're not insane jerks. I acknowledge my faults and work on them constantly.

A big part of me wants to get the FUCK out of Texas... mostly for political reasons, but also just to spread my fucking wings and experience other, hopefully less toxic, cultures. However, I also LOVE being a part of my niblings lives. Just last night, Ky invited me to a play at their school and it was awesome. I ended up taking all three of them. And tonight, Keren and I are seeing Into The Woods at Texas State. Moments like that would be very few and FAR between if I were to move away. If I could make them all move with me, I would.

A compromise to that is finding a job that pays enough for me to visit, and then actually doing that on a regular basis. Seems unlikely, but I can dream.

Anyway, that's my life right now. How are things with you?