I just feel like writing today. No idea what will come of this post.
I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.
So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.
For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.
Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.
**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?
We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]
I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.
So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.
For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.
Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.
**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?
We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]
