to Au Pair or not to Au Pair... that is the question.

I loved Europe when I was there the last time. This would be an entirely new experience, however. I have already found a family who is interested. I would be in the country in Germany taking care of a 5 year old boy helping him learn English fluently, driving him around, feeding him, helping keep house, helping his family as they move from Amsterdam to South Germany, I'd get to learn German IN GERMANY.... It all sounds very exciting!

On the other hand... I could do what I've been planning on doing and buy a car and move in with my sister. I would work at Sbux in the mornings and pick up her girls from daycare in the afternoon. I could be in my life... be "Aunt Candace." I could study German there if I want. It'd be a lot less expensive and less trouble... less risk. But what is life without risk?!!!

Au Pairing is a wonderful thing! You get to experience another country, another family, a different way of life!! It's educational and exhilarating! But it's also... kind of like taking a year off from your own life and... fitting yourself into someone else's life.

I loved the experience before... I would LOVE to do it again... but how would I feel in a year when I came back to my own life? Wouldn't it be exactly what it is now? Wouldn't I be picking it back up and trying to do exactly what I'm trying to do now, only a year later?

I hate time. If only we didn't have to make decisions like this... if only, we could choose both! I don't want to be 26 and no further along in MY OWN life than I am now... but these experiences don't come along all the time. It's a great opportunity. And maybe I would learn more than I can imagine I might learn now.

They are both exciting ways to step out on my own a little bit... and both are safety nets. One is just... more of a natural path in my life and the other is... a totally separate, alien adventure. That one is also... more expensive and risky. Who's to say which would be more enriching and fulfilling?! Only God, really. Hope he hits me over the head with what HE wants very soon.

**Trying to think of how I'll feel in 10 or 20 years... and no matter what, I think I'd still always wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen the other option. sigh... they should make pills for this.

I just feel like writing today. No idea what will come of this post.

I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.

So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.

For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.

Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.

**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?

We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]

life altering decisions

Oh wait, that's pretty much every one you make... but seriously, every single one I'm making right now is life altering. It's scary and overwhelming and doesn't help with the indecisiveness... hence this post. :)

1- moving out.
I will be 25 in 9 days. I'm not judging people my age and older who still live at home. The economy blows and everyone has their own circumstances. However, for me, it's about damn time. Okay, I've been attending school 20 minutes away since high school, so I don't think there's any shame that I've been at home this long. And I wouldn't be "ashamed" to stick around... but I might be a little ashamed of myself, because I know I can do it. I need to do it. For myself. Financially, it'll never be logical to move out. I can't even bear the thought of putting it off. I see no really good reason to! I have to do it now. I have to go for it. That's just the way it is.

Why San Marcos/ Austin? I want to get out of this city and if I'm going to get out of this city, that is where I want to go. It's beautiful, and filled with good opportunities for me. I've got a possible roommate lined up. My sister lives there, so I have some help and get to see them! Plus, I've looked at apartments around here and found squat that I can afford. So, I think this is a great first step for me.

2- the car situation.
My car finally died for good. It took me on one last road trip to visit some amazing friends and thank GOD it didn't break down on some hwy between here and Corpus in the dark... but now it is officially scrap metal. It's a miracle I made it (almost) home in that. So... now comes the hard decisions. In SL, one has to have a car. There's no public transportation and everything is too spread out and non-bike-friendly to get around any other way. As long as I'm here, I need a car. So... rent a car? That's incredibly expensive and you get nothing back.  I have been considering this option though, because cars are incredibly expensive and if I could only live without one for a few weeks and maybe move somewhere I don't need a car, then that would be LOTS of money saved! However, that means juggling finding a job/ apartment within walking/ bike-riding distance or along a line of public transportation. And then there's rain to consider. Barrow a car? That's what I've been doing, because a family member doesn't need theirs right now, but that's a lucky break and cannot last for long. Once they need their car back, you can only bum rides for so long. It's unreliable, and not fair to the people helping you out. Buy a car? There are a few good options I've found in that area. If I can find a good used car that will last me a few years and not use my entire savings on it, that would be awesome. Unfortunately, that rules out saving money on car insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. But it leaves the apartment/ job searches a lot more open. Lease a car? cheaper monthly payments. reliable car. don't know if I can move out and do this, but... mmmmaybe, if I bust my ass.*massive sigh* There are just way too many pro's and con's to each option.

3- the job situation.
I work at Starbucks and frankly, I love it. If I can transfer soon, then I'll have a job where I'm moving to. One with benefits, and one I already know how to do. However, I'm going to need another job and/or a better job if I'm going to last on my own. I don't want a "career." I want to live life doing things I love. I guess everyone does, but not everyone has the balls to do it. Well, I want to be one of those people who does, 'cause I don't see a point to living life any other way.

I always say, "I am the most indecisive person on the planet," and I'm just growing to believe it more and more. I look at every decision from every angle trying to make the best decision for me. It's both a gift and a curse because I end up spending most of my time asking friends/ family what they would do and listening and weighing each option and hardly any time actually PICKING an option and DOING it. I've gotta get over this or I'm never going to get anywhere. This kind of thinking, in turn, is making me want to throw caution to the wind and just go for it! Irresponsible, yes, but I'm single and childless, so why not?! Being a little irresponsible can be good for the soul.

I'm done!!! Why don't I feel that great?

So, I finally made it! Never thought it would actually happen, but as of last Saturday, I am an Alumna of HBU with a BM in Vocal Performance. I do feel better now that I'm done; I'm freer than I've ever been in my life! Except for maybe that year I took off of school. That year, I knew I had to go back and finish school... but I still felt pretty damn free. Being in a romantic, foreign, European country without ANYONE you know there will do that to you. :) This time, I'm completely finished with school... but now that means I have to move on. But move on to what?!

HBU has a very limited number of degree options. I had to stay there because I had an amazing scholarship and it would have been foolish to pass that up. I suppose if I were smart I would have majored in Business or Mass Com. which are two of the few degrees that HBU offers that I was interested in that might get me somewhere. I was Music/ Business for a while, but instead of going back and taking Finite Math and College Algebra and whatever else, I decided to just stick with Music. I made my choices and now I have to live with them. Maybe they were the easy way out, but it sure wasn't "easy," by any means.

Now, I'm free from school, but trapped by the constant questions/ prodding/ snide comments from sooo many people in my life trying to get me to go get a "real" job. Maybe they are just trying to help, but instead, they're being just plain rude and it's pissing me off. Maybe I'm being immature or overly sensitive, but that's how I feel. Encourage me by being encouraging... not constantly asking me "what's next," or saying things like, "soo, you haven't applied at that place I told you about?" while giving me this look like I'm a fucking idiot. Believe it or not, that's NOT encouraging. It's belittling. And I've had enough. I'm never going to be able to go do something amazing if I'm being belittled all the time. How does anyone rise above that?

Somehow, I have to rise above that... because it's making it 10x harder... and it's hard enough, thank you.

You may not see it, but I AM trying. And you're not helping.

no pressure...

I'm finally about to graduate, assuming I pass all my classes, of course. My Senior Voice Recital is this Sunday. For those of you whom that means absolutely nothing... that's where I stand on a stage with nothing but a piano and accompanist and sing in 5 different languages for an hour... in heals... in front of everyone who gives a damn about me. Yeah... no pressure. This is on top of my finals, a paper, 2 presentations, a piano jury, a 2 night opera performance after a week full of rehearsals every night, and let's not forget about work.

I'm trying really hard not to worry. As someone told me today; "worry is the work of the devil." I'm doing my best not to give into that... but dear God, it's not easy. "What if's" plague my mind. I just have to stay calm and remember that no matter what happens, I will still be alive at the end of this... somehow. I think this is proof enough that God is amazing, because I sure as hell couldn't do all this on my own.

After I graduate... I have no idea what to do. I guess I'll figure that out later. It's half scary, half exciting... sometimes it's more like 80/20... or 20/80... I can't decide which. Doesn't matter though. Something's going to happen. I just hope and pray that that something is something really amazingly good... I really feel like I need something amazingly good to happen in my life right now. If things continue in this dreary way... well, I don't see much point or fun in that.

I'm trying to remember that I am ultimately in control. I am the one who'll decide where to go in life. So if a fall on my face, or actually succeed in whatever I end up shooting for, at least I'll know who to blame. :) God, give me strength (to be spontaneous and brave) and wisdom (to know where the hell to apply that bravery.)

intolerance

I have become more aware lately of the blatant racism that still exists in the US. Even in Houston, which is a very interracial city, so I always figured we were used to other races and accepted them. It's just not true. Though our city is very racially diverse, we still segregate ourselves. I've been noticing this in places I didn't expect, and it's not just segregation because of our cultural differences, it's an inherent belief that a lot of us carry. People have said to me, "you wouldn't get it; you're white," or other things of that nature, and it horrifies me.

Are we very culturally different? Of course. Is it understandable that we may like to hang around people of our own culture sometimes? Absolutely. But that doesn't give us some excuse to completely cut ourselves off from other cultures. Isn't it true that we can learn from each other? God, I hope so, because doing that is the only way to truly co-exist and not just live with each other.

Am I the only one this is happening to? Am I just "too white" to be accepted by other cultures? I'm sure I do act very "white," but guess what, that actually is NOT my fault. I am not a closed minded racist, I was just raised differently than you. I accept your differences and would like to learn from them, if only you would let me. And this is not just a racial barrier; other white people were raised differently from me, too. So, why is this such an issue between us?

I don't know if we'll ever be past this. It amazes me that it still holds such a precedence in our everyday lives. People who I am around a lot want to hang around other people of their race most of the time. That would be fine, but when they talk badly about you when you're not there, basically, because you're white, that's where it goes too far. When they actually don't want to be around you for no good reason, that's when I not only get personally insulted and hurt, but horrified about our society as a whole.

This isn't really about racism, it's about intolerance overall. I think we can all agree that our society could use a hell of a lot more tolerance. This isn't really about pointing the finger; I'm sure I do more of this in my own life than I realize, but I do try very hard to rise above that, so I'd really like to remind others to do the same. It IS a big deal. It does have a gigantic impact on our society, and we could learn so much and accomplish SO much more if we could all learn to rise above it. Not to mention getting to personally know some really amazing people.

I miss you when you're you.

I miss you when you're you.

I do not miss the way you treat people. I do not miss your arrogance.
I do not miss your name calling. I do not miss your avoidance of reality.
I do not miss your selfishness.

But I do miss you.
I miss your humor. I miss your infectious spirit. I miss your sweetness.
I miss your intelligence. I miss your support. I miss our conversations.
I miss your hugs. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile.

I know who you are, deep down. I can see what you have the potential to become.
I know no one is perfect, myself absolutely included,
and I know I do not always do the right things.
I forgive you for your hurtfulness, but it still hurts.

I am doing the right thing for myself right now.
I don't think you understand that and I'm not sure you ever will.
I hope you know how much I still love you.
I hope you know that I will always be here for you if you need me.
I just also hope you know that I refuse to let you treat me badly anymore.

If you missed me, wouldn't you treat me better?
Wouldn't you make some effort to have me in your life?
Your apology doesn't mean much when you don't understand what you're apologizing for,
and especially when you continue to treat people this way.

I guess you must not miss me.