I miss you when you're you.

I miss you when you're you.

I do not miss the way you treat people. I do not miss your arrogance.
I do not miss your name calling. I do not miss your avoidance of reality.
I do not miss your selfishness.

But I do miss you.
I miss your humor. I miss your infectious spirit. I miss your sweetness.
I miss your intelligence. I miss your support. I miss our conversations.
I miss your hugs. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile.

I know who you are, deep down. I can see what you have the potential to become.
I know no one is perfect, myself absolutely included,
and I know I do not always do the right things.
I forgive you for your hurtfulness, but it still hurts.

I am doing the right thing for myself right now.
I don't think you understand that and I'm not sure you ever will.
I hope you know how much I still love you.
I hope you know that I will always be here for you if you need me.
I just also hope you know that I refuse to let you treat me badly anymore.

If you missed me, wouldn't you treat me better?
Wouldn't you make some effort to have me in your life?
Your apology doesn't mean much when you don't understand what you're apologizing for,
and especially when you continue to treat people this way.

I guess you must not miss me.

oblivion

I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking into oblivion... like I'm slowly becoming one of those people who just exist rather than really live. I don't ever want to be one of those people. How do I stop that from happening?? Rarely do I wake up and feel instantly depressed.... I've been feeling this way all weekend.

Yes, I'm still worrying about life. I can't seem to stop worrying. I know there's no point, and I'm just driving myself crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I need... something great to happen to me. As soon as possible, if you please.

confusion

The thing I want more than anything else in life is to fall madly in love with a wonderful man who loves me back and live the rest of my life striving to make him happy as he strives to do the same for me.

But that only happens to a few lucky people in this world. I've been trying to live life without sitting around waiting for that to happen to me. It's surprisingly not that easy to do. I think I have to learn to live life as it comes at me. But how do you live without hoping for something to happen? I know, I know... hope for it, but learn to live happily without it. Well, I'm working on that. and it sucks. lol.

I truly hope I get to be one of those lucky few who fall madly in love. I can't imagine living life fully without that. Oh, and the younger the better. I'm 24.... c'mon already. lol.

Remember when Summer was fun??

I do not want to be a kid again, believe me, but I do envy them their Summers of freedom and joy. Adults need Summers too, and it's a shame we don't get them, not to mention unhealthy and disheartening.

One more year of school (hopefully) before I graduate, but I don't feel like I'm close to anything extraordinary. I am proud of this music degree. I've learned a lot and it's all been a great experience. However, with no idea where it will take me, and no clue how to get there, I have a feeling that in a year, when I graduate, I'll feel just as lost as I do now. And then what? Work at a coffee shop for the rest of my life? I'm blessed to have the job, but it is just not a place I want to end up.

There aren't photography/ film classes being offered at my Uni. I've been wanting to get my massage license for years and something has always gotten in the way; mostly money. My car keeps breaking in new and interesting ways, and mechanics are expensive, and often untrustworthy. I just feel life going in a downward spiral, and yet, shouldn't this time be the most exciting time of my life?

I just want to go somewhere amazing and stay there and figure life out there. Be done with school and just GO somewhere, with no money and no plan and find it there! But that's a tremendous leap of faith. Maybe my goal for this year will be to muster up the courage to do that! That or find something here worthwhile.

Dear God, help me.