yep, I'm still not sure.

Just dropped the girls off at school. I didn't get to see them that much this weekend, because I was doing stuff "for me" like hanging with my friends by the river, or by the pool when I wasn't at work. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome, but I missed those girls. I really wanted to keep Evelyn home today, but I know I need to take this day and use it to be productive.

Living here has it's ups and downs just like anywhere would... but the ups are HUGE. Keren made the very good point that once I do officially move out and have my stuff in an apartment or somewhere, that's it- I'll be paying rent and other bills for the rest of my life.

I want my own space that is mine. I've wanted it for 10 years, but I know it would be idiotic to move out and not have the money to support myself. I'm considering lots of directions to go in. I could go back to school (ick), I could maybe, hopefully find an internship? I have more financial freedom right now than I ever will again, especially after I move out.

But oooohh, I cannot wait to have a place that is mine. Where I can stay up as late as I want, decorate however I want, watch and cook whatever/ whenever I want, only have me to worry about- my dishes, my laundry, and THAT'S IT!

I know I don't have to have my life figured out to just take a job that pays the bills. I'm just scared to end up stuck in a job/ life that I hate. I know it's ultimately up to me, but it happens to people all the time- especially in this economy. You gotta pay the bills, you gotta work, and sometimes people get stuck. I don't want to waste my life being stuck. I'm 25, single, childless, got my degree... this should be the best time of my life. Instead I'm just unsure and confused.

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Mahatma Ghandi

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible." -Margret Drabble

Infinity

How do you feel infinite? I haven't felt that way in a long time. Yes, I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. :) How can anyone not feel philosophical after that? If you haven't seen it, please do. I don't even think it's one of those movies where you really "should" read the book first... the movie sums it up very nicely.

Anyway, I have friends. I'm not just a loner. Although, lately, I definitely feel like one. I just don't know how to take the next step in my life. I'm "supposed" to know what to do by now, and I don't. Sometimes I feel just as confused as I was 10 years ago. The high school kids in movies often seem to have a better understanding... definitely of high school than I did at the time, and probably a better idea about life than I do now. I've even made new friends since moving to here, they're all just very busy. I'm not. I like it that way, though. I like being able to read books, watch movies, listen to music, clean, talk to my friends on the phone, maybe get lunch with one of them. I like having time to do the things I want to do... even if I don't do enough of them 'cause I'm so broke.

I know I need to be finding a way to get entirely on my own feet. I've been harping on this topic for a long time now, and I'm sure what few readers I do have are quite tired of it, and for that I'm very sorry. Honestly, I'm truly sick of talking about it, I just don't know what else to do. Or really, what people keep telling me to do is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't see the point in pretending to be this amazing person and going on all these interviews just to get what? All I've found are crummy jobs. The last thing I want is to end up in a job I hate. No one wants that... maybe me least of all, 'cause everyone still seems to go do it. I feel like it would be a waste of life to do that. I'm interested in lots of things; shouldn't I - shouldn't we all be able to do the things we love doing in our lives? Not just me - Everybody!

I can go anywhere and do anything with my life at this point. I'm done with school; nothing is tying me down to any one spot... although at this point, it's going to be even harder to move far away than it would've been if I'd done so right after graduating, 'cause I'm going to miss seeing my sister's family every day. But I can't stay here for them; I have to go and do something for me, which may sound selfish, but it will be a much better example set for my nieces in the long run, anyway.

My point is, my future is kind of directionless, and that's good and bad. I wish I were a more decisive person, but I love too many things, I guess... if that's possible. What I, and I think everyone loves and needs most of all, are those infinite moments, as described in the aforementioned film. The one's where you know more than ever that you're alive. That you're not just a sob story, an after-school special, a cautionary tale... you are you, and you are amazing, and your life is a meaningful gift and you're truly reveling in it. We could all use more of those moments, of course. We let the world get in the way of those moments far, far too often.

Pray for me as I will for thee. We all need it. Love you.

"grown up"

Gonna be honest, I'm on my second glass of wine, so... this post should be fun.

I've decided that I need to grow up... I know. I've been putting it off, as I'm sure y'all can understand. Being a grown-up truly sucks in many ways. I have to figure out one single thing that I'm good at and love enough to do at least 40 hours a week so I can live on my own?? Who created this system? Does anyone love any one thing that much? I don't want something I love to turn into something I'm forced to do, but c'est la vie, I guess. Is there a job where I can get paid to travel all over the world doing whatever I want? 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd rock at that!

As I search for a job I can stand and make money at... I'm going to try to truly appreciate my borrowed time here with my sister and her beautiful family. I can't, nor should I, invade on them forever... but while I'm here, I get to see 2 of my nieces every single day... and they're pretty amazing.

Now, I'm not sure I'll plan to have kids of my own, and kids definitely present many burdens... but damn... I'm learning just how worth it they are in the end. I mostly think I would just drive myself insane trying to be the best mother on the planet, and then end up screwing them up some monstrous way despite all my efforts. You know, 'cause it's pretty much impossible not to, eh? Anyway... I could go on and on about these girls, and how amazing they are... and they're not even technically mine, so living with them everyday is an extraordinary blessing.

And not only that, but I've really missed my sister. Growing up, we lived in the same room, and for crying out loud, we even shared the same queen size bed... and through it all, we've remained really close. She never tormented me like other big sisters might have done, even though I was probably just as annoying as any little sister you ever heard of. I don't know how or why, but we just mesh... without her, I don't make sense, and that's the way it will always be.

I've loved living here, but I've also been... distracted by the desire to move out and... now I'm realizing how difficult and just flat stupid that would be to do before I find a better paying job. And not just that, but what an amazing opportunity this is!! To live rent free, but also not in my hometown? No offense, Sugar Land, but you're kinda boring. I see the same people everywhere I go, and the only thing fun to do is go out to eat/ drink.. and Houston ain't much better. I need to start taking advantage of being near Austin, with it's film/theater/music/etc... if I can't find my niche here, then where the hell can I?

Anyway, I've been settling in here and whatever, but now that's over. It's time to get crackin'... so please pray for me... and here I go!

Less talk, more do.

I'm thinking of myself, but I know we could all use this advice. I often find myself hesitating rather than doing. talking about doing rather than doing. I need to fucking stop that. I'm 25. Now's the time to do!! "I don't know how!" So go learn how!!!! "I can't afford it!" Then spend your money more wisely so that you CAN do the things you want to do!! "They'll judge me." "They" will judge you no matter what you do or don't do, so stop caring about what "they" think! "I won't be able to do it!" You will always regret not trying!! I need to have this pep talk with myself every single day.

the pivot

Life is a funny thing. You can try to plan for things and fight for what you want, but you could end up somewhere totally off the chart from what you expected. There's nothing wrong with planning and hoping, but we are all going to have to be okay with the fact that we may end up somewhere totally different, because (guess what?) we CANNOT control everything... no matter how hard some of us try.

As many of you know, I'm at a pretty pivotal part of my life, whether I like it or not. Up until last summer, I've been distracted by school situations. I guess that's a decent way to put it, since I was never really trapped by school - I could've left whenever I wanted and just not gotten that piece of paper called a "degree." But I was there, learning and loving it. I had those goals and, while an artists work is never done, I at least achieved the goal of getting the degree. So, now I'm in that post-grad stage of, "...now what?" So, I guess it makes sense, then, that I'm feeling particularly introspective at this point.

Sadly, the GIANT part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and be adventurous has been difficult to follow through on. Sadly, or maybe for the good... I don't know. I don't want to end up on my ass, but I don't want to never risk anything either. I think moving here was definitely an amazing first step, I just don't yet know what to do next.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible... like all the things I missed out on when I was too busy with school to focus on them; like my friends and family... being able to sit in a cafe on my day off and not be tormented with homework hanging over my head... reading the books and seeing the movies that I've been wanting to for so long. Yeah, I'm definitely not a person that is tortured by free time; I'm the type that really, truly enjoys it, for better or worse.

Sometimes I wish I did have my next step figured out... but then I remember how pointless that would be. How no matter what we plan on, life is unpredictable, so why not enjoy that? I don't mean to sit back and wait for something to happen to you, I just mean... what's the point in stressing out over it all? I don't see one. So, even though it's truly tough for me to live in the present rather than constantly stress over the future, that's exactly what I plan on doing for the foreseeable future. So sue me. :)

Hope I can hold onto this broadly positive attitude when life gets all crazy.

Aunthood

I love it here. I love living with Keren again. I love her amazing, beautiful, hilarious, brilliant daughters. Her husband is pretty cool too. :) It's definitely not easy. I actually think it's testing my patience to its max 'cause when I'm at work I'm dealing with lots of people -often people who just want their coffee and are, therefore, totally uncaring about the person behind the counter- or at home dealing with a 3 year old. Don't get me wrong, Lillian is amazing... she really is... but she's so much like me (as Keren always says, and it's true)... she totally lives in her own little, lovely, silly world. She's dramatic and passionate and absolutely her own person. However, she's also very inquisitive and has a remarkable memory. I think maybe she can take on this big, bad world and do something incredible with it. Anyway, I love watching her grow up every day... but yeah, it definitely tests my patience... which I, admittedly, don't have much of in the first place. Maybe I have more than I think, because I really am loving most every minute with her. And Evelyn... well, it's amazing how much an infant can astonish you... with her expression, her laugh, her personality... Who would've thought that just being an Aunt, I would feel this much love and attachment to these kids?? I thought this kind of love only came when you actually HAD your own children? Guess not. It's the same with Cassidy and Logan... I rarely see them, and so I don't get to be a part of their every day lives, but that doesn't make me love them any less... it just makes me ache to be there with them all the time. And being here with Lily and Evie, I realize how much of Cassie and Logan's lives I've ALREADY missed. And it sucks. I wish I could be there... be the Aunt they may need me to be, and also live my own life. It makes me hurt for parents all over the world, because if I feel this strongly about protecting and being there for my nieces and nephew... I can only imagine how they must feel about their children. At some point, though, we obviously have to accept the fact that we can't be everything for everyone in our lives, no matter how much we love them or how much we want to be there for them. I have to realize that setting a good example for them may be the best thing I can actually do for them.

Being that it's Suicide Awareness Week... I've really been thinking about people who commit suicide and what they might be feeling when they make that tragic choice. This ties in with what I was saying previously, because... my life effects other people... such as these kids. Even if I'm not a HUGE part of their lives, my life effects them. I've heard people say how suicide is incredibly selfish, and they're right. Earlier this week I was also kind of thinking that "if a person is at a point where they truly want to kill themselves, isn't it more selfish to wish them to stay simply for your benefit?" But thinking about my nieces and nephew I realize why killing myself (for example) would be so inherently selfish... because even though I'm not a gigantic part of their lives, if I killed myself... suddenly, I would be... but in a negative way... and that's the last thing that I want. I want everything I do in life to inspire them to be better people; not to give up. Therefore... I can never give up. I have to be strong. I have to be there for them. I have to live a life they can be proud to be a part of. Or at least, I have to try to do those things. I have to do my best... for them, even if for no one else.

I still don't think I'm going to choose to have kids of my own. This world is so over-populated, and there are so many kids out there who need to be loved, so even if I do decide to become a mother, that'd be my first option. But these kids... these people that I am related to, who potentially look up to me... I love them. No matter who they turn out to be, I love them. And if I love them, I have no choice but to live my life for them and not just for myself, because that's what love is: living your life for someone else. Now, it can be dangerous to go too far with this; you still have to be self-aware enough to realize when you're doing all the giving and receiving absolutely nothing, or maybe even something damaging in return (abusive relationships), but at the end of the day, if you love someone, then your life revolves around them a bit. That's one of the reasons why love is so complicated, but ultimately so worthwhile.

ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

I've been a nervous wreck pretty much all summer. Trying to decide on where/ when to move, what to do, what car to get (if I should get a car), how to do this and that, applying everywhere, changing my mind and driving myself crazy. Literally, since I graduated... yes, I felt relief that my degree was finally accomplished... I just also had a million decisions hanging over my head.

But now, I finally went through with something! I made a decision, and I bought a car. Strange how buying a car can feel so... liberating. I still have a million more decisions to make, but just having this one thing nailed down... it's like I'm suddenly... confident that I can make the right decisions for me. Like I don't have to agonize over them quite so much because deep down, I know what's best for me. I just have to follow that.

I will be moving soon. Many people in my life have their opinions about this move and whether it's smart or not. I have a great place to stay now with plenty of space and freedom. Many people have asked me "Why would you want to leave? You've got it made!" I have been very blessed with a family that loves me and has given me SOOO much. And sometimes I do feel very conflicted about leaving. I am giving up a lot. I'm giving up this security that I've pretty much always had: my home. I'm giving up being able to see my Mom, my family, and my friends in Sugar Land whenever I want. I'm giving up a steady babysitting job with an amazing family and two kids that I've been able to watch grow for the past 2 years! I'm giving up a group of co-workers that have taught me a lot and make me love my job!

It's not easy... it's incredibly difficult, actually... and yet, I'm still going through with it. And my reasons for going through with it may not make any logical sense to some of you. My reason is simply this: I need a new perspective. I've had this perspective of life for a long time, and it's been a good one, but I feel I've learned pretty much all I can from it. I've learned that the only way to ever truly understand something is to look at it from every angle. It's time for a new one. It's time to see life differently. And I can't wait.

Thanks to my sister, Keren, for encouraging me at every step and for giving me the opportunity to pull this off right now. It looks like one really, incredibly small step from mankind's perspective... but it's a giant leap for me.