Hopes and motivations

 Hello All!

So.... I have had a hell of a week.

The part I really want to talk about is the struggle of changing ones habits, which I'm finally trying to do again, so I'll talk about that first and then fill y'all in on some other stuff.

Soooo.... my cholesterol is super high. It runs in my family, so it's not surprising, but it's way higher than I thought it would be at my age, so I've gotta change my habits.

I've always struggled with my workout habits. I played soccer as a kid and LOVED it, and always prided myself on doing all of the laps in the PACER, which for those who don't remember is the running back and forth across the gym thing. We got a 100 if we made it to 81 (I think it was) and I made it every time. I felt like I loved to run, so I joined track in middle school.

Then my joints started hurting, starting at my ankles, then to my knees, etc. So I went up to my coach and asked her how to strengthen my joints, because I felt like my joints were going to give out. And she responded, "Well, you know your body. If you can't run, you can't run!"

I wish this hadn't broken my spirit, but it did. I assumed that I just wasn't built to run and I quit.

Now, I want to go back in time and say, "dude, I'm 12! I don't know my body!" and then go off and ask someone who could actually help me, but alas, I have no time machine.

I thought about trying out for the soccer team in HS, but I (very naively) thought that I already had to be good at soccer by then to make the team, and I didn't think I was good enough so I didn't try out. Plus I was already a theater/choir nerd, so I had enough to do after school.

There's more to my not-working-out-on-a-regular-basis story, but I think you get the basis of it. The only things to add are, 1- that I had some major body image issues, and 2- that I cannot afford a gym and live in TX where it's hot as balls most of the year round. Oh, and that matters because 3- I'm very sensitive to heat. Always have been. I turn red and get called a "tomato" and feel embarrassed and gross.

So now, I need to change that habit... at the age of 35. I know it's possible and I hope I can stay this committed to doing it.

Now's a good time of year to start, and I have. Even though I'm still getting over a ridiculous allergy attack, I've been taking meds, drinking lots of water, starting to eat better, and have gone hiking almost every day for the past week. I'm starting slow, and with a dog who wants to stop way too often, but I started and I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep it going.

Here's my big dilemma thus far: Why do people procrastinate things they want to do??

I finally did go hiking the other day, but I planned to go much earlier in the day and procrastinated until about noon.

I have plenty of excuses for that, but this is a thing I've done a lot in the past, too. Do we just put off things for drama? Is this a thing y'all have done before or do y'all not have any idea what I'm talking about? I'd love some genuine answers to this quandary, if you've got them.

Anyway, I went, so I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep doing it, every fucking day that it's remotely possible.

The other big thing going on with me, I have to be super vague about because it involves very private people. Someone I love needs help and has never been one to accept it, and it's left me at a loss for what to do. They don't seem to understand how much their own well-being matters either, which is incredibly frustrating. They're willing to accept a garbage deal even when people are trying to deal them something better. Stubborn doesn't begin to explain it.

Basically, I love them and want to help, but they won't let me and it's a horrible, stressful, hopeless feeling.

I probably don't say enough how much I love the kids I nanny for. I am forever grateful to this wonderful family for giving me this job and treating me with so much respect, and as if I'm one of the family. The kids, in particular, are a hopeful light in my life that will never cease to amaze me. Same with my nibblings, especially Keren's kids, since they're the ones I see all the time, but also Caleb's since somehow, even though they're teenagers, they still make time for me in their lives. These kids are my personal motivation for bettering the world and myself. I can't give up, because their futures and lives depend on the world, and all I have is my example, so I've got to do what little I can do for them.

I'm very lucky to have jobs, wonderful apartment management, my health (mostly), pets, family, and friends that are there for me. I don't take any of those things for granted.

First update in so long that I'm basically a whole new person now.

Hello whomever actually cares to read this. I haven't written in here in for-fucking-ever, so...

Progress I've made:

— I've lived in my own apartment, roommate-less, for almost 5 years now.

— I have deconstructed from my toxic upbringing of Christianity and am now an Agnostic Atheistic Humanist. Always have been a humanist, really, I just finally learned that word.

— I have become completely comfortable with the idea of not "ending up" partnered, or in a couple. I would rather be my happily single self forever rather than allow "just anyone" in to my sacred space. Anyone I allow into my space must make that space better. That's it. If we don't make each others spaces/lives better, then it wouldn't be healthy, so fuck that.

New Goals in Life:

— Continue to be financially able to live alone.

— Find a job I can more comfortably support myself with. One where I can travel, either within my career or within my time and financial budget.

— Build healthier habits: (physical and mental)

— Make more space for friendships. 

I could go on, but I think I need to accomplish those things first before I can accomplish much else.

I am very proud of myself for escaping from a brainwashing cult, which I now believe all religions to be.

Also the brainwashing cult of the idea of "Happily Ever After."

I am strong and incredible for those reasons and many other reasons.

I often feel weak because I do not "fit in" to this corporatist, capitalist society that humans have created. I'm trying not to compare myself to other people here, because I know that is wrong and invalid.

I am still at Starbucks. It's been 11.5 years. I became a manager a few years ago, hated life during that time, and stepped the fuck back down to barista, where I am perfectly happy. I worked at a winery for a time and it was a wonderful time until it wasn't. Since then, I've been a nanny for a wonderful family for the past 7~ years. I am so lucky to have found them. They are incredible people who treat me like family.

I do not want to continue being a nanny after they no longer want one. I love kids. They are a unique and beautiful challenge in life. That career has been a safe, stable place for me to go throughout my life, and I'm grateful for that. It afforded me the opportunity to travel to Austria when I was 20! It has been a wonderful experience where I've learned a lot... but I need to try something new.

So I need a career change. My degree is in vocal performance, and now I do not want to teach voice lessons. I never really did. I have no idea what one thing I could ever want to do for a living. I want to learn and do everything, but that costs money.

Another problem is that whenever I try to seek a new career path, the searching leads me to depression, so I avoid it.

I need to be more focused. I need to not let myself get bogged down. I cannot go back to school because I can't afford it and my apartment, so I refuse. This leads me back to, our society is a disaster. Thank goodness for libraries, because I think they have a program in place to help me, hopefully.

---Weeks went by before I wrote what comes next...---

I've been attending weekly one-on-one coaching sessions for the past 3 weeks. They've helped me get motivated to search for jobs once a week, at least. They've taught me that my circular arguments I often have with myself are "thinking traps." Not sure I know how to get out of those thinking traps, but still, knowing is the first step, right?

To give you, dear reader, an example of my thinking traps they tend to consist of the following:

"I need to make more money. I also need a job to replace nannying because they aren't going to need me for much longer." *proceed to never want to search for jobs and when I do only find jobs I have no desire to do, or scams, or things I'm unqualified for.* "All these jobs suck. I'm not qualified for anything I want to do. Learning how to do that costs money. I don't have the money for that. No job is going to want to teach me all that. Fuck this." etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Anyway, the coaching sessions have shown me that I'm really happy in my day-to-day life right now... I just want to make more money so that I can do fun things and progress. That's it. I am proud of my jobs and I'm good at my jobs. I enjoy the schedule and support they give me. I just need to make more money. Kirsten, my coach, has tried to help me focus only on the things I can control. I can't control the economy or the lack of pay being offered in most jobs. I can demand more money in my future job interviews. That is certainly something that everyone, especially women, need to start doing more of, clearly. It's also somehow, something I, at least, was never told I "had the right" to do. I don't know why that's in quotes. No one said that to me word-for-word. But somehow, we all got that impression right? Or is it a Texas culture thing? If only salaries were required to be listed on job postings, as is now law in NY.

Knowing and acknowledging our own value is another thing we need to start doing. I don't have a lot of the skills that I want or think I need, but I do still have skills and the desire/willingness to learn new things. I am a responsible, capable adult and I need to fight for myself. I am curious and intelligent. I am reliable. I am hardworking. I am generally really great at interacting with the public, as long as they're not insane jerks. I acknowledge my faults and work on them constantly.

A big part of me wants to get the FUCK out of Texas... mostly for political reasons, but also just to spread my fucking wings and experience other, hopefully less toxic, cultures. However, I also LOVE being a part of my niblings lives. Just last night, Ky invited me to a play at their school and it was awesome. I ended up taking all three of them. And tonight, Keren and I are seeing Into The Woods at Texas State. Moments like that would be very few and FAR between if I were to move away. If I could make them all move with me, I would.

A compromise to that is finding a job that pays enough for me to visit, and then actually doing that on a regular basis. Seems unlikely, but I can dream.

Anyway, that's my life right now. How are things with you?

Caring too much?

It has proven difficult for me to stay positive in life. I was once an extremely happy, positive, friendly person. I feel that to many I still come across that way, even though in my own head, I've become much more cynical and realistic about the world and life in general. All the problems with the world (of which there is an endless amount) wear on me, personally. I know I shouldn't feel responsible, but part of me does because I am a part of the human race. We are all connected (I genuinely believe that. I can feel that.) and so the failures, selfishness, and general hate of the entire world impact me. I believe they impact everyone whether they admit/ focus/ realize it or not.

And I'm not just talking about the big, nationally covered horrors. I'm talking about the one's we don't even know about. The one's our money grubbing, drama seeking media doesn't bother to cover. The horrors that happen every day with OR without our knowledge, as well as the small acts of ignorant, selfish behavior we witness on a daily basis.

I am saying that they effect us emotionally, mentally, and physically. And it's never going to stop. I and we all just have to learn how to deal with it... and I'm currently failing greatly at dealing with it.

The only thing I claim to be good at is people. Not necessarily personally, but with the general public, hence all my jobs being in some way involved in customer service... and this is probably why I'm cracking under the weight of it all, because I really do care about people. Every single one. I think that's one of my best qualities and therefore, one I never want to lose. But I probably need to lose it a little bit, because it's driving me crazy.

But I care too much for my own good. Nothing I think about doing seems good enough, because it won't really solve the problems with the world.

I could volunteer at an animal shelter... That would help that one shelter's dogs, and hopefully be helpful to the people who work there.
I could, someday, if I can ever afford it, become a foster parent... but that would only help a few of the children in need, not all.
The list goes on forever. And I know, logically, that every little act of kindness matters, just as every horribly act little or big matters. Somehow, I still get stuck. Perhaps it's the age of the internet and being able to constantly see how many awful situations there are out there to solve just makes me far too overwhelmed.

There are faults in every thing; even the great things. This is part of life, right? Taking the good with the bad. I don't know about you, but that's something I definitely need to work on.

I also need to stop letting the fact that I can't solve all the world's problems stop me from trying to help with any of them. One person is significant. I just watched Antz with the girls and was reminded of that. *wink* Seriously, it's funny how often those kid films provide comforting reminders for me as an adult. I guess we try to build our kids up and then as we grow to being adults we all get so used to complaining to each other about everything that we forget about the good in the world/ the good in ourselves. Don't deny it. It's not just me. You all have friends who like to complain instead of productively solve the issues in their lives, often because they're too in denial to face them. And news flash, dude... maybe you're one of them.

...I could be a Psychologist... but I could be lots of things, as could we all. Let's all start with being happy, occasionally.

Hello, loves.

I have not written in here in far too long. You've probably forgotten I had this blog. I almost did. Luckily, my mother remembers, and apparently reads it. (Thanks, Mom.) I'm not a great writer, but it is great therapy, and it's fun, so I need to get in the practice of doing it on a regular basis. One site I'd like to start using more for that is hitRECord.org. If you haven't heard of it, it's an amazing website where artists of ALL different kinds can get online and collaborate, and even possibly earn money for their work. They post weekly writing challenges, and there are tons of opportunities to get involved. Mostly, I just get on there and read/ watch/ listen to things, but if I do write anything there, I'll try to remember to post it in here as well for y'all to see.

An update on life since I last wrote: I live in my own apartment now. (Hurrah!!) It's been a long time coming, and it hasn't been easy, but I've been very lucky. My first roommate moved out about 2 months after I moved in, and my new roommate has been incredible, but sadly, she's leaving as well to go to school in another city. She's become a dear friend to me, and I'll never stop being grateful to have had her in my life, especially during this difficult time.

Work has been truly draining. It really has been pulling me under for a while. Our store manager wasn't really doing her job or taking care of us. We've been running on 4 shift managers for months at the busiest store in the area. Not only did we only have 4 shift managers (you need at least 3 different managers every day), but we've been incredibly understaffed with barista's as well; constantly expected to get a million things done without the physical number of bodies to do them. There's no way I can communicate what that was like, except to compare it to overwhelming stress and depression. I'm a new manager, and was thrown in with almost no training. Considering my personality, I think I've done pretty well, perhaps just out of sheer determination. God knows, I haven't loved my job for a long time. Anyway, at the time, we kept telling her we needed more people, and she kept telling us, we weren't earning more people, and that we just needed to work harder. Now that we have a new store manager, I know that must not have been true. The first thing our store manager is doing is getting us more fully staffed, thank the Lord. She's also listening to  us, and what we need. We talked yesterday, and she knows that maybe the most important thing is taking care of her employees so that they love their job... she knows that that is the best we to make the WANT to work hard and WANT to do their job and WANT to stay at her store. Imagine that. Anyway, I realize now how traumatized I've been, and how thinly we've been stretched for so long. Thank God all this is being taken care of in time for the holidays. I don't know how we would have ever managed. We weren't really managing before.

All that said, I've been pretty miserable. I just gained financial independence (barely), so I'm heavily dependent on that job. Yes, I've been looking for other jobs, and applied at several. Luckily, work is getting better, because obviously, none of those came to fruition. But, even though work still isn't perfect, just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... knowing that it is getting better.... just that is pulling me out of my funk. I'm starting to feel like myself again: that silly, passionate girl with big dreams and no plans. I may not have a plan, but it's still FAR better than the desperate hopeless nothing that I've been feeling. It's making me want to try again, and that's how everything starts, right?

I wish my amazing roommate/ friend could stick around now that work is getting better. Hopefully, I'll have the strength now to start working on all the things I want to work on and become a better person because of it; the one I want to be and know I could be. God knows what's best though; she's going to school for nursing and if all that works out for her, she's going to be the best damn nurse in the world.

I'm finding my determination again. For now, I need to focus on teaching myself all the things I want to learn: German, piano, painting, cooking, photography... writing... lol. If I don't start making those things a regular part of my life, I know I'll lose my soul. Dramatic, I know, but that's the only way I know how to put it. Those things are a part of me. Just like singing and performing, which I also desperately need to get back into. I'm not saying I'm good at any of them. I'm not saying any of them will make me money one day, though it sure would be nice if they did. All I know is that, aside from the people I love, which will always be of primary importance, these things... these beautiful, artistic expressions, are all that I see worth living for. And so, here I go...

Pray for me, as I will for thee. I love you all.

Passion vs. the World

I like to say I'm artistic. I've been called artistic by people close to me throughout my life. Does that make it so?

I love art in all of its forms. Love. And I mean that, passionately. Surely, anyone who truly knows me can attest to that. And yet, I don't do very much art at all.

Why do I allow that?
How does one allow the mundane, daily actions necessary in "life" to become bigger than your passion?

I've dabbled in many passions. I grew up in a musical family, and therefore always had that as a basis, but was consistently associated with color and expression as well, and as I grew, developed a passion for many other art forms...

But dabbling isn't enough. To be great, one has to throw yourself into it, with every tiny atom of your being.

It's so much easier to look at what other people have done and give up on oneself; to say, "Well, I'll never be *that* good, so what's the point?" Especially in this day and age where there are more videos, songs, clips, stories, biographies, photographs than one could ever possibly view or read or listen to in a lifetime.

All that thought makes me wish for is an endless lifetime.

I want to see the Exposition of 1900. I want to listen to Hitler give a speech and see if I would be one of the millions blinded by his propaganda. I want to experience Rome, Ancient Greece, and the life of Jesus all for myself. Who wouldn't? My hope is that in Heaven, I will finally be able to see all of those things.

But regardless of that, I only have one life here on Earth. Rationally, I know that, and yet I put more energy into "resting up" for my shitty little customer service jobs than I would ever care to admit.

It's a choice. It's a choice to give up on oneself and settle... or not.

I'm ashamed of my settling. I hope that in writing this, I will be giving myself a slap in the face to wake up and do what I love before it's too late....

But not so deep down, I know that daily life will get the better of me. I'll realize that I have to pay the bills, and tell myself that maybe I'm being selfish for wanting all this passion in my life.

How fucked up is that?!

I don't have the answer. My "answer" is to tell myself to follow my heart instead of my head.... and then to continue paying the bills and playing by the rules like a good little girl, just hoping that my opportunity for greatness will sneak up on me one day, and suddenly, I'll finally feel a sense of absolution: like I have actually managed to live my life to the best of my ability.

Walls

People often test my limits. When I confront them about it, they just say that it's fun.

I'm pretty much an open book, and some people are REALLY good at reading me. And MANY people throughout my life have done and continue to do this with me. I'm just a naturally trusting person, and it's gotten me hurt in the past.

This fact has caused me to become very defensive and maybe miss out on what could be some great friendships.

I found this article (that unfortunately revolves around horoscopes) but it pretty much hits the nail on the head for me:

"Sensitive. Any critique can seem like an especially scathing remark to her though she may not verbalize it. Her heart has noted any wounds to it as an indelible memory until it can have its vindication. She has a connection with history and likes to show it with a display of a collection of antiques or old portraits or paintings in her home. This appeals to her sense of continuity. She likes a strong sense of security in life and love. In a partner she expects stability and you will need to court her romantically. She will be passionate and faithful once she’s yours. Whoever coined the phrase “Ride or Die” was probably referring to a Cancer woman. Her loyalty seems to know no bounds. Her devoted nature and desire to please her partner make her one of the most satisfying sexual partners of the zodiac. She has to know that she can trust you before she will let go of her inhibitions. Doting on her partner is not limited to the bedroom. She loves to, and can cook well and keeps a tidy home making her an excellent housewife if she so chooses. If you are in search of a sensual, loving partner who makes you feel at home Cancer is your answer."

Also, I don't know how Billy Joel knows me so well:

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I'm not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

So, in conclusion…
Fear of getting hurt has kind of crippled me. I'm not sure how I got here exactly, but I know I need to let go and start trusting people again. Even new people. Scary. But until I do that, I know I'll be missing out on a lot of great relationships.

Also, I don't know why I can't get rid of that text highlight.

Fuck this

My mind is reeling in confusion and anger. I'm not sure what I'm angry about, I just know that I need to figure out what to do, and I've been trying to do just that for years and seem to get absolutely fucking nowhere. All I do is change my mind and tear myself down. Joe says I should just do and stop thinking so much, and maybe he's right, but I don't know what I should do first. The first big choice I have to make is either to go back to school or to get a better job, but if I go back to school I need to fucking decide and get on it 'cause it's already June. Great timing, Candace; you dip-shit. I guess I just need to relax and take it one step at a time, but dear God, I'm running out of time and this is exhausting. I can't stay in this place forever, nor do I want to... in fact I cannot wait to get the fuck out, and yet I have no idea how to move on.

I'm sure all this is coming out and I'm feeling so angry right now because I'm on my fucking period. Whatever caused God to decide to torture women this way... this is bullshit. Our hormones are just allowed to go insane once a month? How are we supposed to stay rational and get shit done this way??? Why'd you give us these crazy hormone's God? When I get to heaven, that may be the one thing I ask you. It's all I care about right now, anyway. They're evil. I don't know what we did that guys didn't do to deserve this... is it all just because Eve listened to Satan and ate that fucking Apple? 'Cause that was her, not me!! ugh. Fuck this.

yep, I'm still not sure.

Just dropped the girls off at school. I didn't get to see them that much this weekend, because I was doing stuff "for me" like hanging with my friends by the river, or by the pool when I wasn't at work. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome, but I missed those girls. I really wanted to keep Evelyn home today, but I know I need to take this day and use it to be productive.

Living here has it's ups and downs just like anywhere would... but the ups are HUGE. Keren made the very good point that once I do officially move out and have my stuff in an apartment or somewhere, that's it- I'll be paying rent and other bills for the rest of my life.

I want my own space that is mine. I've wanted it for 10 years, but I know it would be idiotic to move out and not have the money to support myself. I'm considering lots of directions to go in. I could go back to school (ick), I could maybe, hopefully find an internship? I have more financial freedom right now than I ever will again, especially after I move out.

But oooohh, I cannot wait to have a place that is mine. Where I can stay up as late as I want, decorate however I want, watch and cook whatever/ whenever I want, only have me to worry about- my dishes, my laundry, and THAT'S IT!

I know I don't have to have my life figured out to just take a job that pays the bills. I'm just scared to end up stuck in a job/ life that I hate. I know it's ultimately up to me, but it happens to people all the time- especially in this economy. You gotta pay the bills, you gotta work, and sometimes people get stuck. I don't want to waste my life being stuck. I'm 25, single, childless, got my degree... this should be the best time of my life. Instead I'm just unsure and confused.

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Mahatma Ghandi

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible." -Margret Drabble

Infinity

How do you feel infinite? I haven't felt that way in a long time. Yes, I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. :) How can anyone not feel philosophical after that? If you haven't seen it, please do. I don't even think it's one of those movies where you really "should" read the book first... the movie sums it up very nicely.

Anyway, I have friends. I'm not just a loner. Although, lately, I definitely feel like one. I just don't know how to take the next step in my life. I'm "supposed" to know what to do by now, and I don't. Sometimes I feel just as confused as I was 10 years ago. The high school kids in movies often seem to have a better understanding... definitely of high school than I did at the time, and probably a better idea about life than I do now. I've even made new friends since moving to here, they're all just very busy. I'm not. I like it that way, though. I like being able to read books, watch movies, listen to music, clean, talk to my friends on the phone, maybe get lunch with one of them. I like having time to do the things I want to do... even if I don't do enough of them 'cause I'm so broke.

I know I need to be finding a way to get entirely on my own feet. I've been harping on this topic for a long time now, and I'm sure what few readers I do have are quite tired of it, and for that I'm very sorry. Honestly, I'm truly sick of talking about it, I just don't know what else to do. Or really, what people keep telling me to do is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't see the point in pretending to be this amazing person and going on all these interviews just to get what? All I've found are crummy jobs. The last thing I want is to end up in a job I hate. No one wants that... maybe me least of all, 'cause everyone still seems to go do it. I feel like it would be a waste of life to do that. I'm interested in lots of things; shouldn't I - shouldn't we all be able to do the things we love doing in our lives? Not just me - Everybody!

I can go anywhere and do anything with my life at this point. I'm done with school; nothing is tying me down to any one spot... although at this point, it's going to be even harder to move far away than it would've been if I'd done so right after graduating, 'cause I'm going to miss seeing my sister's family every day. But I can't stay here for them; I have to go and do something for me, which may sound selfish, but it will be a much better example set for my nieces in the long run, anyway.

My point is, my future is kind of directionless, and that's good and bad. I wish I were a more decisive person, but I love too many things, I guess... if that's possible. What I, and I think everyone loves and needs most of all, are those infinite moments, as described in the aforementioned film. The one's where you know more than ever that you're alive. That you're not just a sob story, an after-school special, a cautionary tale... you are you, and you are amazing, and your life is a meaningful gift and you're truly reveling in it. We could all use more of those moments, of course. We let the world get in the way of those moments far, far too often.

Pray for me as I will for thee. We all need it. Love you.

"grown up"

Gonna be honest, I'm on my second glass of wine, so... this post should be fun.

I've decided that I need to grow up... I know. I've been putting it off, as I'm sure y'all can understand. Being a grown-up truly sucks in many ways. I have to figure out one single thing that I'm good at and love enough to do at least 40 hours a week so I can live on my own?? Who created this system? Does anyone love any one thing that much? I don't want something I love to turn into something I'm forced to do, but c'est la vie, I guess. Is there a job where I can get paid to travel all over the world doing whatever I want? 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd rock at that!

As I search for a job I can stand and make money at... I'm going to try to truly appreciate my borrowed time here with my sister and her beautiful family. I can't, nor should I, invade on them forever... but while I'm here, I get to see 2 of my nieces every single day... and they're pretty amazing.

Now, I'm not sure I'll plan to have kids of my own, and kids definitely present many burdens... but damn... I'm learning just how worth it they are in the end. I mostly think I would just drive myself insane trying to be the best mother on the planet, and then end up screwing them up some monstrous way despite all my efforts. You know, 'cause it's pretty much impossible not to, eh? Anyway... I could go on and on about these girls, and how amazing they are... and they're not even technically mine, so living with them everyday is an extraordinary blessing.

And not only that, but I've really missed my sister. Growing up, we lived in the same room, and for crying out loud, we even shared the same queen size bed... and through it all, we've remained really close. She never tormented me like other big sisters might have done, even though I was probably just as annoying as any little sister you ever heard of. I don't know how or why, but we just mesh... without her, I don't make sense, and that's the way it will always be.

I've loved living here, but I've also been... distracted by the desire to move out and... now I'm realizing how difficult and just flat stupid that would be to do before I find a better paying job. And not just that, but what an amazing opportunity this is!! To live rent free, but also not in my hometown? No offense, Sugar Land, but you're kinda boring. I see the same people everywhere I go, and the only thing fun to do is go out to eat/ drink.. and Houston ain't much better. I need to start taking advantage of being near Austin, with it's film/theater/music/etc... if I can't find my niche here, then where the hell can I?

Anyway, I've been settling in here and whatever, but now that's over. It's time to get crackin'... so please pray for me... and here I go!

Less talk, more do.

I'm thinking of myself, but I know we could all use this advice. I often find myself hesitating rather than doing. talking about doing rather than doing. I need to fucking stop that. I'm 25. Now's the time to do!! "I don't know how!" So go learn how!!!! "I can't afford it!" Then spend your money more wisely so that you CAN do the things you want to do!! "They'll judge me." "They" will judge you no matter what you do or don't do, so stop caring about what "they" think! "I won't be able to do it!" You will always regret not trying!! I need to have this pep talk with myself every single day.

the pivot

Life is a funny thing. You can try to plan for things and fight for what you want, but you could end up somewhere totally off the chart from what you expected. There's nothing wrong with planning and hoping, but we are all going to have to be okay with the fact that we may end up somewhere totally different, because (guess what?) we CANNOT control everything... no matter how hard some of us try.

As many of you know, I'm at a pretty pivotal part of my life, whether I like it or not. Up until last summer, I've been distracted by school situations. I guess that's a decent way to put it, since I was never really trapped by school - I could've left whenever I wanted and just not gotten that piece of paper called a "degree." But I was there, learning and loving it. I had those goals and, while an artists work is never done, I at least achieved the goal of getting the degree. So, now I'm in that post-grad stage of, "...now what?" So, I guess it makes sense, then, that I'm feeling particularly introspective at this point.

Sadly, the GIANT part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and be adventurous has been difficult to follow through on. Sadly, or maybe for the good... I don't know. I don't want to end up on my ass, but I don't want to never risk anything either. I think moving here was definitely an amazing first step, I just don't yet know what to do next.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible... like all the things I missed out on when I was too busy with school to focus on them; like my friends and family... being able to sit in a cafe on my day off and not be tormented with homework hanging over my head... reading the books and seeing the movies that I've been wanting to for so long. Yeah, I'm definitely not a person that is tortured by free time; I'm the type that really, truly enjoys it, for better or worse.

Sometimes I wish I did have my next step figured out... but then I remember how pointless that would be. How no matter what we plan on, life is unpredictable, so why not enjoy that? I don't mean to sit back and wait for something to happen to you, I just mean... what's the point in stressing out over it all? I don't see one. So, even though it's truly tough for me to live in the present rather than constantly stress over the future, that's exactly what I plan on doing for the foreseeable future. So sue me. :)

Hope I can hold onto this broadly positive attitude when life gets all crazy.

Aunthood

I love it here. I love living with Keren again. I love her amazing, beautiful, hilarious, brilliant daughters. Her husband is pretty cool too. :) It's definitely not easy. I actually think it's testing my patience to its max 'cause when I'm at work I'm dealing with lots of people -often people who just want their coffee and are, therefore, totally uncaring about the person behind the counter- or at home dealing with a 3 year old. Don't get me wrong, Lillian is amazing... she really is... but she's so much like me (as Keren always says, and it's true)... she totally lives in her own little, lovely, silly world. She's dramatic and passionate and absolutely her own person. However, she's also very inquisitive and has a remarkable memory. I think maybe she can take on this big, bad world and do something incredible with it. Anyway, I love watching her grow up every day... but yeah, it definitely tests my patience... which I, admittedly, don't have much of in the first place. Maybe I have more than I think, because I really am loving most every minute with her. And Evelyn... well, it's amazing how much an infant can astonish you... with her expression, her laugh, her personality... Who would've thought that just being an Aunt, I would feel this much love and attachment to these kids?? I thought this kind of love only came when you actually HAD your own children? Guess not. It's the same with Cassidy and Logan... I rarely see them, and so I don't get to be a part of their every day lives, but that doesn't make me love them any less... it just makes me ache to be there with them all the time. And being here with Lily and Evie, I realize how much of Cassie and Logan's lives I've ALREADY missed. And it sucks. I wish I could be there... be the Aunt they may need me to be, and also live my own life. It makes me hurt for parents all over the world, because if I feel this strongly about protecting and being there for my nieces and nephew... I can only imagine how they must feel about their children. At some point, though, we obviously have to accept the fact that we can't be everything for everyone in our lives, no matter how much we love them or how much we want to be there for them. I have to realize that setting a good example for them may be the best thing I can actually do for them.

Being that it's Suicide Awareness Week... I've really been thinking about people who commit suicide and what they might be feeling when they make that tragic choice. This ties in with what I was saying previously, because... my life effects other people... such as these kids. Even if I'm not a HUGE part of their lives, my life effects them. I've heard people say how suicide is incredibly selfish, and they're right. Earlier this week I was also kind of thinking that "if a person is at a point where they truly want to kill themselves, isn't it more selfish to wish them to stay simply for your benefit?" But thinking about my nieces and nephew I realize why killing myself (for example) would be so inherently selfish... because even though I'm not a gigantic part of their lives, if I killed myself... suddenly, I would be... but in a negative way... and that's the last thing that I want. I want everything I do in life to inspire them to be better people; not to give up. Therefore... I can never give up. I have to be strong. I have to be there for them. I have to live a life they can be proud to be a part of. Or at least, I have to try to do those things. I have to do my best... for them, even if for no one else.

I still don't think I'm going to choose to have kids of my own. This world is so over-populated, and there are so many kids out there who need to be loved, so even if I do decide to become a mother, that'd be my first option. But these kids... these people that I am related to, who potentially look up to me... I love them. No matter who they turn out to be, I love them. And if I love them, I have no choice but to live my life for them and not just for myself, because that's what love is: living your life for someone else. Now, it can be dangerous to go too far with this; you still have to be self-aware enough to realize when you're doing all the giving and receiving absolutely nothing, or maybe even something damaging in return (abusive relationships), but at the end of the day, if you love someone, then your life revolves around them a bit. That's one of the reasons why love is so complicated, but ultimately so worthwhile.

ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

I've been a nervous wreck pretty much all summer. Trying to decide on where/ when to move, what to do, what car to get (if I should get a car), how to do this and that, applying everywhere, changing my mind and driving myself crazy. Literally, since I graduated... yes, I felt relief that my degree was finally accomplished... I just also had a million decisions hanging over my head.

But now, I finally went through with something! I made a decision, and I bought a car. Strange how buying a car can feel so... liberating. I still have a million more decisions to make, but just having this one thing nailed down... it's like I'm suddenly... confident that I can make the right decisions for me. Like I don't have to agonize over them quite so much because deep down, I know what's best for me. I just have to follow that.

I will be moving soon. Many people in my life have their opinions about this move and whether it's smart or not. I have a great place to stay now with plenty of space and freedom. Many people have asked me "Why would you want to leave? You've got it made!" I have been very blessed with a family that loves me and has given me SOOO much. And sometimes I do feel very conflicted about leaving. I am giving up a lot. I'm giving up this security that I've pretty much always had: my home. I'm giving up being able to see my Mom, my family, and my friends in Sugar Land whenever I want. I'm giving up a steady babysitting job with an amazing family and two kids that I've been able to watch grow for the past 2 years! I'm giving up a group of co-workers that have taught me a lot and make me love my job!

It's not easy... it's incredibly difficult, actually... and yet, I'm still going through with it. And my reasons for going through with it may not make any logical sense to some of you. My reason is simply this: I need a new perspective. I've had this perspective of life for a long time, and it's been a good one, but I feel I've learned pretty much all I can from it. I've learned that the only way to ever truly understand something is to look at it from every angle. It's time for a new one. It's time to see life differently. And I can't wait.

Thanks to my sister, Keren, for encouraging me at every step and for giving me the opportunity to pull this off right now. It looks like one really, incredibly small step from mankind's perspective... but it's a giant leap for me.

to Au Pair or not to Au Pair... that is the question.

I loved Europe when I was there the last time. This would be an entirely new experience, however. I have already found a family who is interested. I would be in the country in Germany taking care of a 5 year old boy helping him learn English fluently, driving him around, feeding him, helping keep house, helping his family as they move from Amsterdam to South Germany, I'd get to learn German IN GERMANY.... It all sounds very exciting!

On the other hand... I could do what I've been planning on doing and buy a car and move in with my sister. I would work at Sbux in the mornings and pick up her girls from daycare in the afternoon. I could be in my life... be "Aunt Candace." I could study German there if I want. It'd be a lot less expensive and less trouble... less risk. But what is life without risk?!!!

Au Pairing is a wonderful thing! You get to experience another country, another family, a different way of life!! It's educational and exhilarating! But it's also... kind of like taking a year off from your own life and... fitting yourself into someone else's life.

I loved the experience before... I would LOVE to do it again... but how would I feel in a year when I came back to my own life? Wouldn't it be exactly what it is now? Wouldn't I be picking it back up and trying to do exactly what I'm trying to do now, only a year later?

I hate time. If only we didn't have to make decisions like this... if only, we could choose both! I don't want to be 26 and no further along in MY OWN life than I am now... but these experiences don't come along all the time. It's a great opportunity. And maybe I would learn more than I can imagine I might learn now.

They are both exciting ways to step out on my own a little bit... and both are safety nets. One is just... more of a natural path in my life and the other is... a totally separate, alien adventure. That one is also... more expensive and risky. Who's to say which would be more enriching and fulfilling?! Only God, really. Hope he hits me over the head with what HE wants very soon.

**Trying to think of how I'll feel in 10 or 20 years... and no matter what, I think I'd still always wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen the other option. sigh... they should make pills for this.

I just feel like writing today. No idea what will come of this post.

I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.

So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.

For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.

Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.

**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?

We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]

life altering decisions

Oh wait, that's pretty much every one you make... but seriously, every single one I'm making right now is life altering. It's scary and overwhelming and doesn't help with the indecisiveness... hence this post. :)

1- moving out.
I will be 25 in 9 days. I'm not judging people my age and older who still live at home. The economy blows and everyone has their own circumstances. However, for me, it's about damn time. Okay, I've been attending school 20 minutes away since high school, so I don't think there's any shame that I've been at home this long. And I wouldn't be "ashamed" to stick around... but I might be a little ashamed of myself, because I know I can do it. I need to do it. For myself. Financially, it'll never be logical to move out. I can't even bear the thought of putting it off. I see no really good reason to! I have to do it now. I have to go for it. That's just the way it is.

Why San Marcos/ Austin? I want to get out of this city and if I'm going to get out of this city, that is where I want to go. It's beautiful, and filled with good opportunities for me. I've got a possible roommate lined up. My sister lives there, so I have some help and get to see them! Plus, I've looked at apartments around here and found squat that I can afford. So, I think this is a great first step for me.

2- the car situation.
My car finally died for good. It took me on one last road trip to visit some amazing friends and thank GOD it didn't break down on some hwy between here and Corpus in the dark... but now it is officially scrap metal. It's a miracle I made it (almost) home in that. So... now comes the hard decisions. In SL, one has to have a car. There's no public transportation and everything is too spread out and non-bike-friendly to get around any other way. As long as I'm here, I need a car. So... rent a car? That's incredibly expensive and you get nothing back.  I have been considering this option though, because cars are incredibly expensive and if I could only live without one for a few weeks and maybe move somewhere I don't need a car, then that would be LOTS of money saved! However, that means juggling finding a job/ apartment within walking/ bike-riding distance or along a line of public transportation. And then there's rain to consider. Barrow a car? That's what I've been doing, because a family member doesn't need theirs right now, but that's a lucky break and cannot last for long. Once they need their car back, you can only bum rides for so long. It's unreliable, and not fair to the people helping you out. Buy a car? There are a few good options I've found in that area. If I can find a good used car that will last me a few years and not use my entire savings on it, that would be awesome. Unfortunately, that rules out saving money on car insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. But it leaves the apartment/ job searches a lot more open. Lease a car? cheaper monthly payments. reliable car. don't know if I can move out and do this, but... mmmmaybe, if I bust my ass.*massive sigh* There are just way too many pro's and con's to each option.

3- the job situation.
I work at Starbucks and frankly, I love it. If I can transfer soon, then I'll have a job where I'm moving to. One with benefits, and one I already know how to do. However, I'm going to need another job and/or a better job if I'm going to last on my own. I don't want a "career." I want to live life doing things I love. I guess everyone does, but not everyone has the balls to do it. Well, I want to be one of those people who does, 'cause I don't see a point to living life any other way.

I always say, "I am the most indecisive person on the planet," and I'm just growing to believe it more and more. I look at every decision from every angle trying to make the best decision for me. It's both a gift and a curse because I end up spending most of my time asking friends/ family what they would do and listening and weighing each option and hardly any time actually PICKING an option and DOING it. I've gotta get over this or I'm never going to get anywhere. This kind of thinking, in turn, is making me want to throw caution to the wind and just go for it! Irresponsible, yes, but I'm single and childless, so why not?! Being a little irresponsible can be good for the soul.

I'm done!!! Why don't I feel that great?

So, I finally made it! Never thought it would actually happen, but as of last Saturday, I am an Alumna of HBU with a BM in Vocal Performance. I do feel better now that I'm done; I'm freer than I've ever been in my life! Except for maybe that year I took off of school. That year, I knew I had to go back and finish school... but I still felt pretty damn free. Being in a romantic, foreign, European country without ANYONE you know there will do that to you. :) This time, I'm completely finished with school... but now that means I have to move on. But move on to what?!

HBU has a very limited number of degree options. I had to stay there because I had an amazing scholarship and it would have been foolish to pass that up. I suppose if I were smart I would have majored in Business or Mass Com. which are two of the few degrees that HBU offers that I was interested in that might get me somewhere. I was Music/ Business for a while, but instead of going back and taking Finite Math and College Algebra and whatever else, I decided to just stick with Music. I made my choices and now I have to live with them. Maybe they were the easy way out, but it sure wasn't "easy," by any means.

Now, I'm free from school, but trapped by the constant questions/ prodding/ snide comments from sooo many people in my life trying to get me to go get a "real" job. Maybe they are just trying to help, but instead, they're being just plain rude and it's pissing me off. Maybe I'm being immature or overly sensitive, but that's how I feel. Encourage me by being encouraging... not constantly asking me "what's next," or saying things like, "soo, you haven't applied at that place I told you about?" while giving me this look like I'm a fucking idiot. Believe it or not, that's NOT encouraging. It's belittling. And I've had enough. I'm never going to be able to go do something amazing if I'm being belittled all the time. How does anyone rise above that?

Somehow, I have to rise above that... because it's making it 10x harder... and it's hard enough, thank you.

You may not see it, but I AM trying. And you're not helping.

no pressure...

I'm finally about to graduate, assuming I pass all my classes, of course. My Senior Voice Recital is this Sunday. For those of you whom that means absolutely nothing... that's where I stand on a stage with nothing but a piano and accompanist and sing in 5 different languages for an hour... in heals... in front of everyone who gives a damn about me. Yeah... no pressure. This is on top of my finals, a paper, 2 presentations, a piano jury, a 2 night opera performance after a week full of rehearsals every night, and let's not forget about work.

I'm trying really hard not to worry. As someone told me today; "worry is the work of the devil." I'm doing my best not to give into that... but dear God, it's not easy. "What if's" plague my mind. I just have to stay calm and remember that no matter what happens, I will still be alive at the end of this... somehow. I think this is proof enough that God is amazing, because I sure as hell couldn't do all this on my own.

After I graduate... I have no idea what to do. I guess I'll figure that out later. It's half scary, half exciting... sometimes it's more like 80/20... or 20/80... I can't decide which. Doesn't matter though. Something's going to happen. I just hope and pray that that something is something really amazingly good... I really feel like I need something amazingly good to happen in my life right now. If things continue in this dreary way... well, I don't see much point or fun in that.

I'm trying to remember that I am ultimately in control. I am the one who'll decide where to go in life. So if a fall on my face, or actually succeed in whatever I end up shooting for, at least I'll know who to blame. :) God, give me strength (to be spontaneous and brave) and wisdom (to know where the hell to apply that bravery.)

intolerance

I have become more aware lately of the blatant racism that still exists in the US. Even in Houston, which is a very interracial city, so I always figured we were used to other races and accepted them. It's just not true. Though our city is very racially diverse, we still segregate ourselves. I've been noticing this in places I didn't expect, and it's not just segregation because of our cultural differences, it's an inherent belief that a lot of us carry. People have said to me, "you wouldn't get it; you're white," or other things of that nature, and it horrifies me.

Are we very culturally different? Of course. Is it understandable that we may like to hang around people of our own culture sometimes? Absolutely. But that doesn't give us some excuse to completely cut ourselves off from other cultures. Isn't it true that we can learn from each other? God, I hope so, because doing that is the only way to truly co-exist and not just live with each other.

Am I the only one this is happening to? Am I just "too white" to be accepted by other cultures? I'm sure I do act very "white," but guess what, that actually is NOT my fault. I am not a closed minded racist, I was just raised differently than you. I accept your differences and would like to learn from them, if only you would let me. And this is not just a racial barrier; other white people were raised differently from me, too. So, why is this such an issue between us?

I don't know if we'll ever be past this. It amazes me that it still holds such a precedence in our everyday lives. People who I am around a lot want to hang around other people of their race most of the time. That would be fine, but when they talk badly about you when you're not there, basically, because you're white, that's where it goes too far. When they actually don't want to be around you for no good reason, that's when I not only get personally insulted and hurt, but horrified about our society as a whole.

This isn't really about racism, it's about intolerance overall. I think we can all agree that our society could use a hell of a lot more tolerance. This isn't really about pointing the finger; I'm sure I do more of this in my own life than I realize, but I do try very hard to rise above that, so I'd really like to remind others to do the same. It IS a big deal. It does have a gigantic impact on our society, and we could learn so much and accomplish SO much more if we could all learn to rise above it. Not to mention getting to personally know some really amazing people.