I love it here. I love living with Keren again. I love her amazing, beautiful, hilarious, brilliant daughters. Her husband is pretty cool too. :) It's definitely not easy. I actually think it's testing my patience to its max 'cause when I'm at work I'm dealing with lots of people -often people who just want their coffee and are, therefore, totally uncaring about the person behind the counter- or at home dealing with a 3 year old. Don't get me wrong, Lillian is amazing... she really is... but she's so much like me (as Keren always says, and it's true)... she totally lives in her own little, lovely, silly world. She's dramatic and passionate and absolutely her own person. However, she's also very inquisitive and has a remarkable memory. I think maybe she can take on this big, bad world and do something incredible with it. Anyway, I love watching her grow up every day... but yeah, it definitely tests my patience... which I, admittedly, don't have much of in the first place. Maybe I have more than I think, because I really am loving most every minute with her. And Evelyn... well, it's amazing how much an infant can astonish you... with her expression, her laugh, her personality... Who would've thought that just being an Aunt, I would feel this much love and attachment to these kids?? I thought this kind of love only came when you actually HAD your own children? Guess not. It's the same with Cassidy and Logan... I rarely see them, and so I don't get to be a part of their every day lives, but that doesn't make me love them any less... it just makes me ache to be there with them all the time. And being here with Lily and Evie, I realize how much of Cassie and Logan's lives I've ALREADY missed. And it sucks. I wish I could be there... be the Aunt they may need me to be, and also live my own life. It makes me hurt for parents all over the world, because if I feel this strongly about protecting and being there for my nieces and nephew... I can only imagine how they must feel about their children. At some point, though, we obviously have to accept the fact that we can't be everything for everyone in our lives, no matter how much we love them or how much we want to be there for them. I have to realize that setting a good example for them may be the best thing I can actually do for them.
Being that it's Suicide Awareness Week... I've really been thinking about people who commit suicide and what they might be feeling when they make that tragic choice. This ties in with what I was saying previously, because... my life effects other people... such as these kids. Even if I'm not a HUGE part of their lives, my life effects them. I've heard people say how suicide is incredibly selfish, and they're right. Earlier this week I was also kind of thinking that "if a person is at a point where they truly want to kill themselves, isn't it more selfish to wish them to stay simply for your benefit?" But thinking about my nieces and nephew I realize why killing myself (for example) would be so inherently selfish... because even though I'm not a gigantic part of their lives, if I killed myself... suddenly, I would be... but in a negative way... and that's the last thing that I want. I want everything I do in life to inspire them to be better people; not to give up. Therefore... I can never give up. I have to be strong. I have to be there for them. I have to live a life they can be proud to be a part of. Or at least, I have to try to do those things. I have to do my best... for them, even if for no one else.
I still don't think I'm going to choose to have kids of my own. This world is so over-populated, and there are so many kids out there who need to be loved, so even if I do decide to become a mother, that'd be my first option. But these kids... these people that I am related to, who potentially look up to me... I love them. No matter who they turn out to be, I love them. And if I love them, I have no choice but to live my life for them and not just for myself, because that's what love is: living your life for someone else. Now, it can be dangerous to go too far with this; you still have to be self-aware enough to realize when you're doing all the giving and receiving absolutely nothing, or maybe even something damaging in return (abusive relationships), but at the end of the day, if you love someone, then your life revolves around them a bit. That's one of the reasons why love is so complicated, but ultimately so worthwhile.
Being that it's Suicide Awareness Week... I've really been thinking about people who commit suicide and what they might be feeling when they make that tragic choice. This ties in with what I was saying previously, because... my life effects other people... such as these kids. Even if I'm not a HUGE part of their lives, my life effects them. I've heard people say how suicide is incredibly selfish, and they're right. Earlier this week I was also kind of thinking that "if a person is at a point where they truly want to kill themselves, isn't it more selfish to wish them to stay simply for your benefit?" But thinking about my nieces and nephew I realize why killing myself (for example) would be so inherently selfish... because even though I'm not a gigantic part of their lives, if I killed myself... suddenly, I would be... but in a negative way... and that's the last thing that I want. I want everything I do in life to inspire them to be better people; not to give up. Therefore... I can never give up. I have to be strong. I have to be there for them. I have to live a life they can be proud to be a part of. Or at least, I have to try to do those things. I have to do my best... for them, even if for no one else.
I still don't think I'm going to choose to have kids of my own. This world is so over-populated, and there are so many kids out there who need to be loved, so even if I do decide to become a mother, that'd be my first option. But these kids... these people that I am related to, who potentially look up to me... I love them. No matter who they turn out to be, I love them. And if I love them, I have no choice but to live my life for them and not just for myself, because that's what love is: living your life for someone else. Now, it can be dangerous to go too far with this; you still have to be self-aware enough to realize when you're doing all the giving and receiving absolutely nothing, or maybe even something damaging in return (abusive relationships), but at the end of the day, if you love someone, then your life revolves around them a bit. That's one of the reasons why love is so complicated, but ultimately so worthwhile.
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