the pivot

Life is a funny thing. You can try to plan for things and fight for what you want, but you could end up somewhere totally off the chart from what you expected. There's nothing wrong with planning and hoping, but we are all going to have to be okay with the fact that we may end up somewhere totally different, because (guess what?) we CANNOT control everything... no matter how hard some of us try.

As many of you know, I'm at a pretty pivotal part of my life, whether I like it or not. Up until last summer, I've been distracted by school situations. I guess that's a decent way to put it, since I was never really trapped by school - I could've left whenever I wanted and just not gotten that piece of paper called a "degree." But I was there, learning and loving it. I had those goals and, while an artists work is never done, I at least achieved the goal of getting the degree. So, now I'm in that post-grad stage of, "...now what?" So, I guess it makes sense, then, that I'm feeling particularly introspective at this point.

Sadly, the GIANT part of me that wants to throw caution to the wind and be adventurous has been difficult to follow through on. Sadly, or maybe for the good... I don't know. I don't want to end up on my ass, but I don't want to never risk anything either. I think moving here was definitely an amazing first step, I just don't yet know what to do next.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible... like all the things I missed out on when I was too busy with school to focus on them; like my friends and family... being able to sit in a cafe on my day off and not be tormented with homework hanging over my head... reading the books and seeing the movies that I've been wanting to for so long. Yeah, I'm definitely not a person that is tortured by free time; I'm the type that really, truly enjoys it, for better or worse.

Sometimes I wish I did have my next step figured out... but then I remember how pointless that would be. How no matter what we plan on, life is unpredictable, so why not enjoy that? I don't mean to sit back and wait for something to happen to you, I just mean... what's the point in stressing out over it all? I don't see one. So, even though it's truly tough for me to live in the present rather than constantly stress over the future, that's exactly what I plan on doing for the foreseeable future. So sue me. :)

Hope I can hold onto this broadly positive attitude when life gets all crazy.

Aunthood

I love it here. I love living with Keren again. I love her amazing, beautiful, hilarious, brilliant daughters. Her husband is pretty cool too. :) It's definitely not easy. I actually think it's testing my patience to its max 'cause when I'm at work I'm dealing with lots of people -often people who just want their coffee and are, therefore, totally uncaring about the person behind the counter- or at home dealing with a 3 year old. Don't get me wrong, Lillian is amazing... she really is... but she's so much like me (as Keren always says, and it's true)... she totally lives in her own little, lovely, silly world. She's dramatic and passionate and absolutely her own person. However, she's also very inquisitive and has a remarkable memory. I think maybe she can take on this big, bad world and do something incredible with it. Anyway, I love watching her grow up every day... but yeah, it definitely tests my patience... which I, admittedly, don't have much of in the first place. Maybe I have more than I think, because I really am loving most every minute with her. And Evelyn... well, it's amazing how much an infant can astonish you... with her expression, her laugh, her personality... Who would've thought that just being an Aunt, I would feel this much love and attachment to these kids?? I thought this kind of love only came when you actually HAD your own children? Guess not. It's the same with Cassidy and Logan... I rarely see them, and so I don't get to be a part of their every day lives, but that doesn't make me love them any less... it just makes me ache to be there with them all the time. And being here with Lily and Evie, I realize how much of Cassie and Logan's lives I've ALREADY missed. And it sucks. I wish I could be there... be the Aunt they may need me to be, and also live my own life. It makes me hurt for parents all over the world, because if I feel this strongly about protecting and being there for my nieces and nephew... I can only imagine how they must feel about their children. At some point, though, we obviously have to accept the fact that we can't be everything for everyone in our lives, no matter how much we love them or how much we want to be there for them. I have to realize that setting a good example for them may be the best thing I can actually do for them.

Being that it's Suicide Awareness Week... I've really been thinking about people who commit suicide and what they might be feeling when they make that tragic choice. This ties in with what I was saying previously, because... my life effects other people... such as these kids. Even if I'm not a HUGE part of their lives, my life effects them. I've heard people say how suicide is incredibly selfish, and they're right. Earlier this week I was also kind of thinking that "if a person is at a point where they truly want to kill themselves, isn't it more selfish to wish them to stay simply for your benefit?" But thinking about my nieces and nephew I realize why killing myself (for example) would be so inherently selfish... because even though I'm not a gigantic part of their lives, if I killed myself... suddenly, I would be... but in a negative way... and that's the last thing that I want. I want everything I do in life to inspire them to be better people; not to give up. Therefore... I can never give up. I have to be strong. I have to be there for them. I have to live a life they can be proud to be a part of. Or at least, I have to try to do those things. I have to do my best... for them, even if for no one else.

I still don't think I'm going to choose to have kids of my own. This world is so over-populated, and there are so many kids out there who need to be loved, so even if I do decide to become a mother, that'd be my first option. But these kids... these people that I am related to, who potentially look up to me... I love them. No matter who they turn out to be, I love them. And if I love them, I have no choice but to live my life for them and not just for myself, because that's what love is: living your life for someone else. Now, it can be dangerous to go too far with this; you still have to be self-aware enough to realize when you're doing all the giving and receiving absolutely nothing, or maybe even something damaging in return (abusive relationships), but at the end of the day, if you love someone, then your life revolves around them a bit. That's one of the reasons why love is so complicated, but ultimately so worthwhile.

ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

I've been a nervous wreck pretty much all summer. Trying to decide on where/ when to move, what to do, what car to get (if I should get a car), how to do this and that, applying everywhere, changing my mind and driving myself crazy. Literally, since I graduated... yes, I felt relief that my degree was finally accomplished... I just also had a million decisions hanging over my head.

But now, I finally went through with something! I made a decision, and I bought a car. Strange how buying a car can feel so... liberating. I still have a million more decisions to make, but just having this one thing nailed down... it's like I'm suddenly... confident that I can make the right decisions for me. Like I don't have to agonize over them quite so much because deep down, I know what's best for me. I just have to follow that.

I will be moving soon. Many people in my life have their opinions about this move and whether it's smart or not. I have a great place to stay now with plenty of space and freedom. Many people have asked me "Why would you want to leave? You've got it made!" I have been very blessed with a family that loves me and has given me SOOO much. And sometimes I do feel very conflicted about leaving. I am giving up a lot. I'm giving up this security that I've pretty much always had: my home. I'm giving up being able to see my Mom, my family, and my friends in Sugar Land whenever I want. I'm giving up a steady babysitting job with an amazing family and two kids that I've been able to watch grow for the past 2 years! I'm giving up a group of co-workers that have taught me a lot and make me love my job!

It's not easy... it's incredibly difficult, actually... and yet, I'm still going through with it. And my reasons for going through with it may not make any logical sense to some of you. My reason is simply this: I need a new perspective. I've had this perspective of life for a long time, and it's been a good one, but I feel I've learned pretty much all I can from it. I've learned that the only way to ever truly understand something is to look at it from every angle. It's time for a new one. It's time to see life differently. And I can't wait.

Thanks to my sister, Keren, for encouraging me at every step and for giving me the opportunity to pull this off right now. It looks like one really, incredibly small step from mankind's perspective... but it's a giant leap for me.

to Au Pair or not to Au Pair... that is the question.

I loved Europe when I was there the last time. This would be an entirely new experience, however. I have already found a family who is interested. I would be in the country in Germany taking care of a 5 year old boy helping him learn English fluently, driving him around, feeding him, helping keep house, helping his family as they move from Amsterdam to South Germany, I'd get to learn German IN GERMANY.... It all sounds very exciting!

On the other hand... I could do what I've been planning on doing and buy a car and move in with my sister. I would work at Sbux in the mornings and pick up her girls from daycare in the afternoon. I could be in my life... be "Aunt Candace." I could study German there if I want. It'd be a lot less expensive and less trouble... less risk. But what is life without risk?!!!

Au Pairing is a wonderful thing! You get to experience another country, another family, a different way of life!! It's educational and exhilarating! But it's also... kind of like taking a year off from your own life and... fitting yourself into someone else's life.

I loved the experience before... I would LOVE to do it again... but how would I feel in a year when I came back to my own life? Wouldn't it be exactly what it is now? Wouldn't I be picking it back up and trying to do exactly what I'm trying to do now, only a year later?

I hate time. If only we didn't have to make decisions like this... if only, we could choose both! I don't want to be 26 and no further along in MY OWN life than I am now... but these experiences don't come along all the time. It's a great opportunity. And maybe I would learn more than I can imagine I might learn now.

They are both exciting ways to step out on my own a little bit... and both are safety nets. One is just... more of a natural path in my life and the other is... a totally separate, alien adventure. That one is also... more expensive and risky. Who's to say which would be more enriching and fulfilling?! Only God, really. Hope he hits me over the head with what HE wants very soon.

**Trying to think of how I'll feel in 10 or 20 years... and no matter what, I think I'd still always wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen the other option. sigh... they should make pills for this.

I just feel like writing today. No idea what will come of this post.

I am now 25. I thought this birthday would light a fire under my ass to get out on my own even more than I already want to do, but it hasn't. I feel no different. The same amount of fire is under my ass, and I'm the one that put there, not some new birthday. Age is relative-- it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really have any bearing on a persons maturity or character or even really where you are in life.

So, here's what's really on my mind...
I'm single. Always have been, and sometimes it feels like I always will be. I... never handle any "guy situation" the right way. Whether out of fear or whatever, I always find myself pushing them away. A guy has to jump through like 8 million hurdles to get close to me. And even when I notice myself doing it... talking too much, trying to be funny instead of saying what I really mean, whatever... it's too late to stop it.

For one thing, like most women, I guess... I'm a talker. As you can probably tell from this post and others like it, I'm pretty open. It doesn't bother me to tell people/ strangers/ whoever the details about my life. If you don't want to know then why are you reading this? Talking about the things that are important to me... that's just how I roll. I kinda would assume everybody to be that way, except coming from experience, they're really not. Some people don't want to talk about their life, their beliefs, their opinions, their struggles... or often anything that's important to them! Guys in particular don't seem to like to do that at all. My way of thinking is, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now, sometimes even I wonder why I say some things... but not because I'm embarrassed by them; simply because they aren't anyone else's business. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so open... but I'm not ashamed of myself... so I just guess I don't see the harm in letting people in. But then, maybe that's something about me that scares people away... I just don't really understand why that might be.

Another thing is, even in those incredibly RARE instances when a guy DOES make it obvious that he likes me... I just flat have trouble believing that he is really, genuinely interested. When a guy gives me a really amazing compliment, a big part of me feels like a million bucks, but another part of me is always wondering if they actually mean it or if they're just saying that to get in my pants or something. I guess this is mostly because of my own insecurities, but no, it's also from knowing that that IS what guys want!! How can we NOT think they're just trying to butter us up when they say sweet things?! Especially since it happens so rarely.

**Added on July 1st: [It's interesting to me that I am incredibly open up front... and then when people... or more specifically, guys whom I'm interested in, get close, I shut down. I get nervous and scared and unsure about his feelings for me, so I stop letting him in... without purposefully doing so. What's with that? Great, now I'm aware of it, but... how do I stop myself?

We all know "love is blind." Personally, I think "infatuation" is really what's so blinding. Being "head-over-heals" for... (or really even just a little bit interested) in someone makes us stupid. It's a terrible Catch 22 that is maybe the biggest reason why love is so difficult and confusing and... rare.]

life altering decisions

Oh wait, that's pretty much every one you make... but seriously, every single one I'm making right now is life altering. It's scary and overwhelming and doesn't help with the indecisiveness... hence this post. :)

1- moving out.
I will be 25 in 9 days. I'm not judging people my age and older who still live at home. The economy blows and everyone has their own circumstances. However, for me, it's about damn time. Okay, I've been attending school 20 minutes away since high school, so I don't think there's any shame that I've been at home this long. And I wouldn't be "ashamed" to stick around... but I might be a little ashamed of myself, because I know I can do it. I need to do it. For myself. Financially, it'll never be logical to move out. I can't even bear the thought of putting it off. I see no really good reason to! I have to do it now. I have to go for it. That's just the way it is.

Why San Marcos/ Austin? I want to get out of this city and if I'm going to get out of this city, that is where I want to go. It's beautiful, and filled with good opportunities for me. I've got a possible roommate lined up. My sister lives there, so I have some help and get to see them! Plus, I've looked at apartments around here and found squat that I can afford. So, I think this is a great first step for me.

2- the car situation.
My car finally died for good. It took me on one last road trip to visit some amazing friends and thank GOD it didn't break down on some hwy between here and Corpus in the dark... but now it is officially scrap metal. It's a miracle I made it (almost) home in that. So... now comes the hard decisions. In SL, one has to have a car. There's no public transportation and everything is too spread out and non-bike-friendly to get around any other way. As long as I'm here, I need a car. So... rent a car? That's incredibly expensive and you get nothing back.  I have been considering this option though, because cars are incredibly expensive and if I could only live without one for a few weeks and maybe move somewhere I don't need a car, then that would be LOTS of money saved! However, that means juggling finding a job/ apartment within walking/ bike-riding distance or along a line of public transportation. And then there's rain to consider. Barrow a car? That's what I've been doing, because a family member doesn't need theirs right now, but that's a lucky break and cannot last for long. Once they need their car back, you can only bum rides for so long. It's unreliable, and not fair to the people helping you out. Buy a car? There are a few good options I've found in that area. If I can find a good used car that will last me a few years and not use my entire savings on it, that would be awesome. Unfortunately, that rules out saving money on car insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. But it leaves the apartment/ job searches a lot more open. Lease a car? cheaper monthly payments. reliable car. don't know if I can move out and do this, but... mmmmaybe, if I bust my ass.*massive sigh* There are just way too many pro's and con's to each option.

3- the job situation.
I work at Starbucks and frankly, I love it. If I can transfer soon, then I'll have a job where I'm moving to. One with benefits, and one I already know how to do. However, I'm going to need another job and/or a better job if I'm going to last on my own. I don't want a "career." I want to live life doing things I love. I guess everyone does, but not everyone has the balls to do it. Well, I want to be one of those people who does, 'cause I don't see a point to living life any other way.

I always say, "I am the most indecisive person on the planet," and I'm just growing to believe it more and more. I look at every decision from every angle trying to make the best decision for me. It's both a gift and a curse because I end up spending most of my time asking friends/ family what they would do and listening and weighing each option and hardly any time actually PICKING an option and DOING it. I've gotta get over this or I'm never going to get anywhere. This kind of thinking, in turn, is making me want to throw caution to the wind and just go for it! Irresponsible, yes, but I'm single and childless, so why not?! Being a little irresponsible can be good for the soul.

I'm done!!! Why don't I feel that great?

So, I finally made it! Never thought it would actually happen, but as of last Saturday, I am an Alumna of HBU with a BM in Vocal Performance. I do feel better now that I'm done; I'm freer than I've ever been in my life! Except for maybe that year I took off of school. That year, I knew I had to go back and finish school... but I still felt pretty damn free. Being in a romantic, foreign, European country without ANYONE you know there will do that to you. :) This time, I'm completely finished with school... but now that means I have to move on. But move on to what?!

HBU has a very limited number of degree options. I had to stay there because I had an amazing scholarship and it would have been foolish to pass that up. I suppose if I were smart I would have majored in Business or Mass Com. which are two of the few degrees that HBU offers that I was interested in that might get me somewhere. I was Music/ Business for a while, but instead of going back and taking Finite Math and College Algebra and whatever else, I decided to just stick with Music. I made my choices and now I have to live with them. Maybe they were the easy way out, but it sure wasn't "easy," by any means.

Now, I'm free from school, but trapped by the constant questions/ prodding/ snide comments from sooo many people in my life trying to get me to go get a "real" job. Maybe they are just trying to help, but instead, they're being just plain rude and it's pissing me off. Maybe I'm being immature or overly sensitive, but that's how I feel. Encourage me by being encouraging... not constantly asking me "what's next," or saying things like, "soo, you haven't applied at that place I told you about?" while giving me this look like I'm a fucking idiot. Believe it or not, that's NOT encouraging. It's belittling. And I've had enough. I'm never going to be able to go do something amazing if I'm being belittled all the time. How does anyone rise above that?

Somehow, I have to rise above that... because it's making it 10x harder... and it's hard enough, thank you.

You may not see it, but I AM trying. And you're not helping.