no pressure...

I'm finally about to graduate, assuming I pass all my classes, of course. My Senior Voice Recital is this Sunday. For those of you whom that means absolutely nothing... that's where I stand on a stage with nothing but a piano and accompanist and sing in 5 different languages for an hour... in heals... in front of everyone who gives a damn about me. Yeah... no pressure. This is on top of my finals, a paper, 2 presentations, a piano jury, a 2 night opera performance after a week full of rehearsals every night, and let's not forget about work.

I'm trying really hard not to worry. As someone told me today; "worry is the work of the devil." I'm doing my best not to give into that... but dear God, it's not easy. "What if's" plague my mind. I just have to stay calm and remember that no matter what happens, I will still be alive at the end of this... somehow. I think this is proof enough that God is amazing, because I sure as hell couldn't do all this on my own.

After I graduate... I have no idea what to do. I guess I'll figure that out later. It's half scary, half exciting... sometimes it's more like 80/20... or 20/80... I can't decide which. Doesn't matter though. Something's going to happen. I just hope and pray that that something is something really amazingly good... I really feel like I need something amazingly good to happen in my life right now. If things continue in this dreary way... well, I don't see much point or fun in that.

I'm trying to remember that I am ultimately in control. I am the one who'll decide where to go in life. So if a fall on my face, or actually succeed in whatever I end up shooting for, at least I'll know who to blame. :) God, give me strength (to be spontaneous and brave) and wisdom (to know where the hell to apply that bravery.)

intolerance

I have become more aware lately of the blatant racism that still exists in the US. Even in Houston, which is a very interracial city, so I always figured we were used to other races and accepted them. It's just not true. Though our city is very racially diverse, we still segregate ourselves. I've been noticing this in places I didn't expect, and it's not just segregation because of our cultural differences, it's an inherent belief that a lot of us carry. People have said to me, "you wouldn't get it; you're white," or other things of that nature, and it horrifies me.

Are we very culturally different? Of course. Is it understandable that we may like to hang around people of our own culture sometimes? Absolutely. But that doesn't give us some excuse to completely cut ourselves off from other cultures. Isn't it true that we can learn from each other? God, I hope so, because doing that is the only way to truly co-exist and not just live with each other.

Am I the only one this is happening to? Am I just "too white" to be accepted by other cultures? I'm sure I do act very "white," but guess what, that actually is NOT my fault. I am not a closed minded racist, I was just raised differently than you. I accept your differences and would like to learn from them, if only you would let me. And this is not just a racial barrier; other white people were raised differently from me, too. So, why is this such an issue between us?

I don't know if we'll ever be past this. It amazes me that it still holds such a precedence in our everyday lives. People who I am around a lot want to hang around other people of their race most of the time. That would be fine, but when they talk badly about you when you're not there, basically, because you're white, that's where it goes too far. When they actually don't want to be around you for no good reason, that's when I not only get personally insulted and hurt, but horrified about our society as a whole.

This isn't really about racism, it's about intolerance overall. I think we can all agree that our society could use a hell of a lot more tolerance. This isn't really about pointing the finger; I'm sure I do more of this in my own life than I realize, but I do try very hard to rise above that, so I'd really like to remind others to do the same. It IS a big deal. It does have a gigantic impact on our society, and we could learn so much and accomplish SO much more if we could all learn to rise above it. Not to mention getting to personally know some really amazing people.

I miss you when you're you.

I miss you when you're you.

I do not miss the way you treat people. I do not miss your arrogance.
I do not miss your name calling. I do not miss your avoidance of reality.
I do not miss your selfishness.

But I do miss you.
I miss your humor. I miss your infectious spirit. I miss your sweetness.
I miss your intelligence. I miss your support. I miss our conversations.
I miss your hugs. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile.

I know who you are, deep down. I can see what you have the potential to become.
I know no one is perfect, myself absolutely included,
and I know I do not always do the right things.
I forgive you for your hurtfulness, but it still hurts.

I am doing the right thing for myself right now.
I don't think you understand that and I'm not sure you ever will.
I hope you know how much I still love you.
I hope you know that I will always be here for you if you need me.
I just also hope you know that I refuse to let you treat me badly anymore.

If you missed me, wouldn't you treat me better?
Wouldn't you make some effort to have me in your life?
Your apology doesn't mean much when you don't understand what you're apologizing for,
and especially when you continue to treat people this way.

I guess you must not miss me.

oblivion

I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking into oblivion... like I'm slowly becoming one of those people who just exist rather than really live. I don't ever want to be one of those people. How do I stop that from happening?? Rarely do I wake up and feel instantly depressed.... I've been feeling this way all weekend.

Yes, I'm still worrying about life. I can't seem to stop worrying. I know there's no point, and I'm just driving myself crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I need... something great to happen to me. As soon as possible, if you please.

breaking away...

My last semester starts in a week. If I can stay focused during this last semester, then I'll be graduating in May. Everyone keeps saying I should be excited, but that year I took off, I learned more than I thought I did at the time. The world is not what you think it is. It doesn't move along like you think it should. You don't just go to school, graduate, find an amazing job that you love and live happily ever after. What does that even mean: "happily ever after?" I'm not expecting to be happy all the time. Besides, happiness is a choice, right? People have been asking me a lot lately, what I'm going to do after I graduate, and unfortunately, I do not have any answers. Not one.

I chose music as my major because it's something I've always done, and always loved, and have always been told that I was good at. Now that I'm graduating, I have my days of feeling good, but more days of feeling totally unprepared for whatever lies ahead. I never wanted to teach, except when I was a kid and had no idea what it really meant. If it really was just helping people learn, I might be all for it, but it's not. Nothing ever is just the good thing that drew you to it. There's a million different things that go into a job, and all of those things together make it either worth the money, or not, and you can't really know if it is until you're there. So, for this reason, and plenty of others, I have no idea where I want to go in life.

I mention teaching because, it’s one of the two main things that people can realistically do with this degree. The other is performing, so I guess I’m leaning toward that one, however, I’m really not much of a performer, and as much as I love it, I’m not sure it’s the best place for me. It sure has been on my mind for a long time though, so I guess it’s a decent place to start. But again, the truth is there are millions of different things that go into a job. For performing, you meet lots of people which is a plus for me, but it’s not steady which is a major downfall and deters many people from pursuing it.

I need....

To love what I do. To be good at it. To do something that can make me proud of myself, make God proud of me, and make those I love proud of me. I feel like I need to do something that makes even a tiny positive difference in this world, but then of course, the bigger the better. I need to be free.

More realistically, however, I need a solid paycheck. I need health insurance and car insurance and to figure out how to not get ripped off in this world of insurance and taxes that I know nothing about. I need a reliable car. I need to get out on my own two feet, which means in my own apartment, paying my own bills, not relying on anyone else.

Now, someone, please, tell me how the heck to do all that. What job could possibly accommodate all of those things?

I'm all for women's rights, but sometimes I envy the women of the past who weren't expected to do any of this. It's scary, and overwhelming, and relying on God to solve everything for you is unrealistic. You have to do something for yourself, and hopefully He'll show you what to do. Well, I can only hope that the path I've gone down so far is the one He wanted for me. I can only hope that He will lead me down the right path in my future.

It's funny; I was thinking about all this in the car on the way home when "Break away" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. The lyrics hit me:

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)

And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging around revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

[Chorus]

I take that as God talking to me, trying to say something. I know I need to take a risk and make a change, but how do you know which risk is the one He wants you to take? If I haven’t figured it out by the time I graduate, I guess I need to at least do that; make some radical changes and get a new perspective on life. Perspective changes everything.

It’s extremely overwhelming, feeling like this. Everyone expects you, at my age, to know what you want and to have at least some answers. I’ve been searching for the answers for my entire life and still coming up short. Maybe I’ve let the world scare me a little too much. Maybe if I just pick a risk, hopefully the right one, and take it, I’ll find wherever it is that I belong, and be able to get on my own two feet. I suppose we’ll just have to see. Thanks for reading and caring even a little bit.

Twilight vs. Harry Potter

I am really sick of people comparing these two totally separate and different franchises to one another. They are, truly, nothing alike. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions, but if people would take a second to think about this, I think they’d realize how right I am. :) Let me explain. Now, just for the record, I am focusing on the books in this blog, not the films.

The Harry Potter series began as a bed time story that J. K. Rowling told her children. They loved it and that kept her going and it became what it is today. She added more books and as her children (and fan base) aged, so did the style of writing she used in these books. They are a fantasy world of witches and wizards, full of magic. They also have in them wonderful life lessons making them heartwarming and a fabulous place for our children to escape to. It started a whole generation reading again. I think we all owe J. K. Rowling a debt for that.

Twilight began as a dream Stephenie Meyer had about the meadow scene in her first book. They do deal with fantasy, but not really with magic. Rather they deal with certain mythical creatures, however she bases them as much as she can on science, attempting to make them as realistic as possible. She started writing them not for children, but for herself and women like her. They are simple to read, so I suppose that’s how they ended up on the Young Adult shelves, but in all honesty, they were not meant for that audience. They were meant, and I’ve seen her say this herself, for women her age to look back on their lives and feelings at the age of Bella Swan. Bella’s character was not made to set a good example for women; Twilight is the product of a woman’s passionate fantasy. The suspense and intense feelings between Edward and Bella are so much stronger than humanly possible. That’s part of what makes the book so good. It’s an indulgence; a great one. As the books progress and the story develops it becomes more about the characters and the excitement of their lives, but if you read Twilight over, I think you’ll find more than anything that it’s about the anticipation of not knowing if he can resist her blood, and then they fall in love and it becomes about how they can possibly work out. The whole idea that they can’t be together physically without tragic circumstances, and yet they are passionately addicted to one another, causes a sexual tension that, let’s face it, women cannot easily resist (nor should we). It’s full of sexuality and borders on erotica in places. Frankly, I’m astonished that so many parents have allowed their young girls to read them. I guess it just shows how lazy, or just indifferent, parents have become.

Okay, I feel better now that I've gotten that out of my system. I hope this gives you a better understanding of the books and maybe makes you realize something you didn't before. I also hope that you all can appreciate each story for what they are instead of treating them like some ridiculous battle you need to take sides of that the stupid media has created.

confusion

The thing I want more than anything else in life is to fall madly in love with a wonderful man who loves me back and live the rest of my life striving to make him happy as he strives to do the same for me.

But that only happens to a few lucky people in this world. I've been trying to live life without sitting around waiting for that to happen to me. It's surprisingly not that easy to do. I think I have to learn to live life as it comes at me. But how do you live without hoping for something to happen? I know, I know... hope for it, but learn to live happily without it. Well, I'm working on that. and it sucks. lol.

I truly hope I get to be one of those lucky few who fall madly in love. I can't imagine living life fully without that. Oh, and the younger the better. I'm 24.... c'mon already. lol.