breaking away...

My last semester starts in a week. If I can stay focused during this last semester, then I'll be graduating in May. Everyone keeps saying I should be excited, but that year I took off, I learned more than I thought I did at the time. The world is not what you think it is. It doesn't move along like you think it should. You don't just go to school, graduate, find an amazing job that you love and live happily ever after. What does that even mean: "happily ever after?" I'm not expecting to be happy all the time. Besides, happiness is a choice, right? People have been asking me a lot lately, what I'm going to do after I graduate, and unfortunately, I do not have any answers. Not one.

I chose music as my major because it's something I've always done, and always loved, and have always been told that I was good at. Now that I'm graduating, I have my days of feeling good, but more days of feeling totally unprepared for whatever lies ahead. I never wanted to teach, except when I was a kid and had no idea what it really meant. If it really was just helping people learn, I might be all for it, but it's not. Nothing ever is just the good thing that drew you to it. There's a million different things that go into a job, and all of those things together make it either worth the money, or not, and you can't really know if it is until you're there. So, for this reason, and plenty of others, I have no idea where I want to go in life.

I mention teaching because, it’s one of the two main things that people can realistically do with this degree. The other is performing, so I guess I’m leaning toward that one, however, I’m really not much of a performer, and as much as I love it, I’m not sure it’s the best place for me. It sure has been on my mind for a long time though, so I guess it’s a decent place to start. But again, the truth is there are millions of different things that go into a job. For performing, you meet lots of people which is a plus for me, but it’s not steady which is a major downfall and deters many people from pursuing it.

I need....

To love what I do. To be good at it. To do something that can make me proud of myself, make God proud of me, and make those I love proud of me. I feel like I need to do something that makes even a tiny positive difference in this world, but then of course, the bigger the better. I need to be free.

More realistically, however, I need a solid paycheck. I need health insurance and car insurance and to figure out how to not get ripped off in this world of insurance and taxes that I know nothing about. I need a reliable car. I need to get out on my own two feet, which means in my own apartment, paying my own bills, not relying on anyone else.

Now, someone, please, tell me how the heck to do all that. What job could possibly accommodate all of those things?

I'm all for women's rights, but sometimes I envy the women of the past who weren't expected to do any of this. It's scary, and overwhelming, and relying on God to solve everything for you is unrealistic. You have to do something for yourself, and hopefully He'll show you what to do. Well, I can only hope that the path I've gone down so far is the one He wanted for me. I can only hope that He will lead me down the right path in my future.

It's funny; I was thinking about all this in the car on the way home when "Break away" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. The lyrics hit me:

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)

And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging around revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

[Chorus]

I take that as God talking to me, trying to say something. I know I need to take a risk and make a change, but how do you know which risk is the one He wants you to take? If I haven’t figured it out by the time I graduate, I guess I need to at least do that; make some radical changes and get a new perspective on life. Perspective changes everything.

It’s extremely overwhelming, feeling like this. Everyone expects you, at my age, to know what you want and to have at least some answers. I’ve been searching for the answers for my entire life and still coming up short. Maybe I’ve let the world scare me a little too much. Maybe if I just pick a risk, hopefully the right one, and take it, I’ll find wherever it is that I belong, and be able to get on my own two feet. I suppose we’ll just have to see. Thanks for reading and caring even a little bit.