oblivion

I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking into oblivion... like I'm slowly becoming one of those people who just exist rather than really live. I don't ever want to be one of those people. How do I stop that from happening?? Rarely do I wake up and feel instantly depressed.... I've been feeling this way all weekend.

Yes, I'm still worrying about life. I can't seem to stop worrying. I know there's no point, and I'm just driving myself crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I need... something great to happen to me. As soon as possible, if you please.

breaking away...

My last semester starts in a week. If I can stay focused during this last semester, then I'll be graduating in May. Everyone keeps saying I should be excited, but that year I took off, I learned more than I thought I did at the time. The world is not what you think it is. It doesn't move along like you think it should. You don't just go to school, graduate, find an amazing job that you love and live happily ever after. What does that even mean: "happily ever after?" I'm not expecting to be happy all the time. Besides, happiness is a choice, right? People have been asking me a lot lately, what I'm going to do after I graduate, and unfortunately, I do not have any answers. Not one.

I chose music as my major because it's something I've always done, and always loved, and have always been told that I was good at. Now that I'm graduating, I have my days of feeling good, but more days of feeling totally unprepared for whatever lies ahead. I never wanted to teach, except when I was a kid and had no idea what it really meant. If it really was just helping people learn, I might be all for it, but it's not. Nothing ever is just the good thing that drew you to it. There's a million different things that go into a job, and all of those things together make it either worth the money, or not, and you can't really know if it is until you're there. So, for this reason, and plenty of others, I have no idea where I want to go in life.

I mention teaching because, it’s one of the two main things that people can realistically do with this degree. The other is performing, so I guess I’m leaning toward that one, however, I’m really not much of a performer, and as much as I love it, I’m not sure it’s the best place for me. It sure has been on my mind for a long time though, so I guess it’s a decent place to start. But again, the truth is there are millions of different things that go into a job. For performing, you meet lots of people which is a plus for me, but it’s not steady which is a major downfall and deters many people from pursuing it.

I need....

To love what I do. To be good at it. To do something that can make me proud of myself, make God proud of me, and make those I love proud of me. I feel like I need to do something that makes even a tiny positive difference in this world, but then of course, the bigger the better. I need to be free.

More realistically, however, I need a solid paycheck. I need health insurance and car insurance and to figure out how to not get ripped off in this world of insurance and taxes that I know nothing about. I need a reliable car. I need to get out on my own two feet, which means in my own apartment, paying my own bills, not relying on anyone else.

Now, someone, please, tell me how the heck to do all that. What job could possibly accommodate all of those things?

I'm all for women's rights, but sometimes I envy the women of the past who weren't expected to do any of this. It's scary, and overwhelming, and relying on God to solve everything for you is unrealistic. You have to do something for yourself, and hopefully He'll show you what to do. Well, I can only hope that the path I've gone down so far is the one He wanted for me. I can only hope that He will lead me down the right path in my future.

It's funny; I was thinking about all this in the car on the way home when "Break away" by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. The lyrics hit me:

Grew up in a small town

And when the rain would fall down

I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)

And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors

Swinging around revolving doors

Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but

Gotta keep moving on, moving on

Fly away, breakaway

[Chorus]

I take that as God talking to me, trying to say something. I know I need to take a risk and make a change, but how do you know which risk is the one He wants you to take? If I haven’t figured it out by the time I graduate, I guess I need to at least do that; make some radical changes and get a new perspective on life. Perspective changes everything.

It’s extremely overwhelming, feeling like this. Everyone expects you, at my age, to know what you want and to have at least some answers. I’ve been searching for the answers for my entire life and still coming up short. Maybe I’ve let the world scare me a little too much. Maybe if I just pick a risk, hopefully the right one, and take it, I’ll find wherever it is that I belong, and be able to get on my own two feet. I suppose we’ll just have to see. Thanks for reading and caring even a little bit.

Twilight vs. Harry Potter

I am really sick of people comparing these two totally separate and different franchises to one another. They are, truly, nothing alike. I know everyone is entitled to their opinions, but if people would take a second to think about this, I think they’d realize how right I am. :) Let me explain. Now, just for the record, I am focusing on the books in this blog, not the films.

The Harry Potter series began as a bed time story that J. K. Rowling told her children. They loved it and that kept her going and it became what it is today. She added more books and as her children (and fan base) aged, so did the style of writing she used in these books. They are a fantasy world of witches and wizards, full of magic. They also have in them wonderful life lessons making them heartwarming and a fabulous place for our children to escape to. It started a whole generation reading again. I think we all owe J. K. Rowling a debt for that.

Twilight began as a dream Stephenie Meyer had about the meadow scene in her first book. They do deal with fantasy, but not really with magic. Rather they deal with certain mythical creatures, however she bases them as much as she can on science, attempting to make them as realistic as possible. She started writing them not for children, but for herself and women like her. They are simple to read, so I suppose that’s how they ended up on the Young Adult shelves, but in all honesty, they were not meant for that audience. They were meant, and I’ve seen her say this herself, for women her age to look back on their lives and feelings at the age of Bella Swan. Bella’s character was not made to set a good example for women; Twilight is the product of a woman’s passionate fantasy. The suspense and intense feelings between Edward and Bella are so much stronger than humanly possible. That’s part of what makes the book so good. It’s an indulgence; a great one. As the books progress and the story develops it becomes more about the characters and the excitement of their lives, but if you read Twilight over, I think you’ll find more than anything that it’s about the anticipation of not knowing if he can resist her blood, and then they fall in love and it becomes about how they can possibly work out. The whole idea that they can’t be together physically without tragic circumstances, and yet they are passionately addicted to one another, causes a sexual tension that, let’s face it, women cannot easily resist (nor should we). It’s full of sexuality and borders on erotica in places. Frankly, I’m astonished that so many parents have allowed their young girls to read them. I guess it just shows how lazy, or just indifferent, parents have become.

Okay, I feel better now that I've gotten that out of my system. I hope this gives you a better understanding of the books and maybe makes you realize something you didn't before. I also hope that you all can appreciate each story for what they are instead of treating them like some ridiculous battle you need to take sides of that the stupid media has created.

confusion

The thing I want more than anything else in life is to fall madly in love with a wonderful man who loves me back and live the rest of my life striving to make him happy as he strives to do the same for me.

But that only happens to a few lucky people in this world. I've been trying to live life without sitting around waiting for that to happen to me. It's surprisingly not that easy to do. I think I have to learn to live life as it comes at me. But how do you live without hoping for something to happen? I know, I know... hope for it, but learn to live happily without it. Well, I'm working on that. and it sucks. lol.

I truly hope I get to be one of those lucky few who fall madly in love. I can't imagine living life fully without that. Oh, and the younger the better. I'm 24.... c'mon already. lol.

"You have an excuse for everything!"

That's what my good friend said to me today, and she hit the nail on the head, I'm afraid. I do have an excuse for everything. I've been letting life get me down. I feel like crap, I look like crap, and I have been making excuse after excuse for it. They're accurate excuses. I've been telling them to myself, as well as to other people when they accuse me of being bitchy or whatever.

"I need to get on a regular sleeping schedule, but I get up early all week and stay up late for work on the weekends. So what happens is I'm exhausted in the mornings during the week, and I 'can't' make myself get out of bed until the last minute, so I hardly ever wear make-up (not that I ever wore that much), I rarely get to eat breakfast and when I do it's something fast and greasy. I'd like to work out, but I over-heat really easily, and therefore have only been able to do it in the EARLY morning before it gets hot, and I feel like I HAVE to shower afterwards, so working out anywhere besides around my house where I can use my OWN shower is out of the question ('cause that's where my things are, and carrying them around is too much trouble.) So for a while I was getting up early and working out, but then I went to work that weekend and haven't been able to get up early enough ever since. I'd like to be thinner, but (see my previous excuses.) I'd like to eat healthier, but I dont' have time/ money/ the experience to cook the things I like. I like fresh, warm, fantastic food and that takes time and all the aforementioned things to make and take that day for lunch. I could bring a sandwich, but that got old and boring a long time ago...." I could go on forever.

Hopefully, you see my point. I've been doing this for a long time. I'm not LOOKING for excuses. I'm LOOKING for ways to get my shit together... but these excuses... are why I'm not succeeding. Well, I guess I just have to get the fuck over the excuses. I have to make myself do what I know I should do no matter how tired or broke or craving-of-ME-time, or whatever I am. It sucks. But such is life. I don't want to. I want to get enough sleep... not just because I want to, but because I know how important sleep is and how it affects sooo much (your health, your attitude, your everything.) This is going to be very difficult for me. I'm sure it's very difficult for everyone. But then, why do I appear to be the only one struggling with this? Tell me there are more people like me out there. I never thought of my self as a lazy, selfish person, but maybe I've been acting like one/ becoming on in recent years.

But doesn't one have to be just a little bit selfish at times? Isn't that healthy? Especially during these years of early adulthood when I'm trying to get on my feet? You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anything, or anyone, else. At least that's what I've believed and have been trying to live by. But maybe you can't do one first and then the other. You have to do both at once... and that's just one more thing that makes life so challenging. But, on top of all that, in my efforts, I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't been taking care of anything, really. I've been doing "my best" to get by, and then running into excuses for why I can't take care of myself the way I'd like to: money, time, energy, on and on and on.

It's a vicious circle that I'm going to have to learn to get past if I want a happy, successful life... and I do.

I need to remember...

I need to remember that I'm not STUCK here for another year... I'm blessed to be here.

I need to remember how lucky I am to be able to go to a school with such fabulous music teachers.

I need to remember that it is a blessing that I CAN still live at home. Lots of kids were kicked out of their houses at 18, or just can't get along with their parents.

I need to remember that people, as annoying and stupid as they can be, can also surprise you with how loving and amazing they can be. There are good people out there, even today.

I need to remember, that complaining about being stuck in a rut might let some of the stress out, but besides that, it really doesn't accomplish much. The only way to get out of a rut, is to keep trying and trying until you finally are. It's like that little story from "Catch Me if You Can" about the 2 mice that fell into a bucket of cream. Give up and drown, or keep trying and eventually succeed. Those are the options, and this is the only life we get to make the right choice.

Stay focused on the good. The bad things will pass.

Remember when Summer was fun??

I do not want to be a kid again, believe me, but I do envy them their Summers of freedom and joy. Adults need Summers too, and it's a shame we don't get them, not to mention unhealthy and disheartening.

One more year of school (hopefully) before I graduate, but I don't feel like I'm close to anything extraordinary. I am proud of this music degree. I've learned a lot and it's all been a great experience. However, with no idea where it will take me, and no clue how to get there, I have a feeling that in a year, when I graduate, I'll feel just as lost as I do now. And then what? Work at a coffee shop for the rest of my life? I'm blessed to have the job, but it is just not a place I want to end up.

There aren't photography/ film classes being offered at my Uni. I've been wanting to get my massage license for years and something has always gotten in the way; mostly money. My car keeps breaking in new and interesting ways, and mechanics are expensive, and often untrustworthy. I just feel life going in a downward spiral, and yet, shouldn't this time be the most exciting time of my life?

I just want to go somewhere amazing and stay there and figure life out there. Be done with school and just GO somewhere, with no money and no plan and find it there! But that's a tremendous leap of faith. Maybe my goal for this year will be to muster up the courage to do that! That or find something here worthwhile.

Dear God, help me.