Hopes and motivations

 Hello All!

So.... I have had a hell of a week.

The part I really want to talk about is the struggle of changing ones habits, which I'm finally trying to do again, so I'll talk about that first and then fill y'all in on some other stuff.

Soooo.... my cholesterol is super high. It runs in my family, so it's not surprising, but it's way higher than I thought it would be at my age, so I've gotta change my habits.

I've always struggled with my workout habits. I played soccer as a kid and LOVED it, and always prided myself on doing all of the laps in the PACER, which for those who don't remember is the running back and forth across the gym thing. We got a 100 if we made it to 81 (I think it was) and I made it every time. I felt like I loved to run, so I joined track in middle school.

Then my joints started hurting, starting at my ankles, then to my knees, etc. So I went up to my coach and asked her how to strengthen my joints, because I felt like my joints were going to give out. And she responded, "Well, you know your body. If you can't run, you can't run!"

I wish this hadn't broken my spirit, but it did. I assumed that I just wasn't built to run and I quit.

Now, I want to go back in time and say, "dude, I'm 12! I don't know my body!" and then go off and ask someone who could actually help me, but alas, I have no time machine.

I thought about trying out for the soccer team in HS, but I (very naively) thought that I already had to be good at soccer by then to make the team, and I didn't think I was good enough so I didn't try out. Plus I was already a theater/choir nerd, so I had enough to do after school.

There's more to my not-working-out-on-a-regular-basis story, but I think you get the basis of it. The only things to add are, 1- that I had some major body image issues, and 2- that I cannot afford a gym and live in TX where it's hot as balls most of the year round. Oh, and that matters because 3- I'm very sensitive to heat. Always have been. I turn red and get called a "tomato" and feel embarrassed and gross.

So now, I need to change that habit... at the age of 35. I know it's possible and I hope I can stay this committed to doing it.

Now's a good time of year to start, and I have. Even though I'm still getting over a ridiculous allergy attack, I've been taking meds, drinking lots of water, starting to eat better, and have gone hiking almost every day for the past week. I'm starting slow, and with a dog who wants to stop way too often, but I started and I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep it going.

Here's my big dilemma thus far: Why do people procrastinate things they want to do??

I finally did go hiking the other day, but I planned to go much earlier in the day and procrastinated until about noon.

I have plenty of excuses for that, but this is a thing I've done a lot in the past, too. Do we just put off things for drama? Is this a thing y'all have done before or do y'all not have any idea what I'm talking about? I'd love some genuine answers to this quandary, if you've got them.

Anyway, I went, so I'm proud of myself for that. Now to keep doing it, every fucking day that it's remotely possible.

The other big thing going on with me, I have to be super vague about because it involves very private people. Someone I love needs help and has never been one to accept it, and it's left me at a loss for what to do. They don't seem to understand how much their own well-being matters either, which is incredibly frustrating. They're willing to accept a garbage deal even when people are trying to deal them something better. Stubborn doesn't begin to explain it.

Basically, I love them and want to help, but they won't let me and it's a horrible, stressful, hopeless feeling.

I probably don't say enough how much I love the kids I nanny for. I am forever grateful to this wonderful family for giving me this job and treating me with so much respect, and as if I'm one of the family. The kids, in particular, are a hopeful light in my life that will never cease to amaze me. Same with my nibblings, especially Keren's kids, since they're the ones I see all the time, but also Caleb's since somehow, even though they're teenagers, they still make time for me in their lives. These kids are my personal motivation for bettering the world and myself. I can't give up, because their futures and lives depend on the world, and all I have is my example, so I've got to do what little I can do for them.

I'm very lucky to have jobs, wonderful apartment management, my health (mostly), pets, family, and friends that are there for me. I don't take any of those things for granted.

First update in so long that I'm basically a whole new person now.

Hello whomever actually cares to read this. I haven't written in here in for-fucking-ever, so...

Progress I've made:

— I've lived in my own apartment, roommate-less, for almost 5 years now.

— I have deconstructed from my toxic upbringing of Christianity and am now an Agnostic Atheistic Humanist. Always have been a humanist, really, I just finally learned that word.

— I have become completely comfortable with the idea of not "ending up" partnered, or in a couple. I would rather be my happily single self forever rather than allow "just anyone" in to my sacred space. Anyone I allow into my space must make that space better. That's it. If we don't make each others spaces/lives better, then it wouldn't be healthy, so fuck that.

New Goals in Life:

— Continue to be financially able to live alone.

— Find a job I can more comfortably support myself with. One where I can travel, either within my career or within my time and financial budget.

— Build healthier habits: (physical and mental)

— Make more space for friendships. 

I could go on, but I think I need to accomplish those things first before I can accomplish much else.

I am very proud of myself for escaping from a brainwashing cult, which I now believe all religions to be.

Also the brainwashing cult of the idea of "Happily Ever After."

I am strong and incredible for those reasons and many other reasons.

I often feel weak because I do not "fit in" to this corporatist, capitalist society that humans have created. I'm trying not to compare myself to other people here, because I know that is wrong and invalid.

I am still at Starbucks. It's been 11.5 years. I became a manager a few years ago, hated life during that time, and stepped the fuck back down to barista, where I am perfectly happy. I worked at a winery for a time and it was a wonderful time until it wasn't. Since then, I've been a nanny for a wonderful family for the past 7~ years. I am so lucky to have found them. They are incredible people who treat me like family.

I do not want to continue being a nanny after they no longer want one. I love kids. They are a unique and beautiful challenge in life. That career has been a safe, stable place for me to go throughout my life, and I'm grateful for that. It afforded me the opportunity to travel to Austria when I was 20! It has been a wonderful experience where I've learned a lot... but I need to try something new.

So I need a career change. My degree is in vocal performance, and now I do not want to teach voice lessons. I never really did. I have no idea what one thing I could ever want to do for a living. I want to learn and do everything, but that costs money.

Another problem is that whenever I try to seek a new career path, the searching leads me to depression, so I avoid it.

I need to be more focused. I need to not let myself get bogged down. I cannot go back to school because I can't afford it and my apartment, so I refuse. This leads me back to, our society is a disaster. Thank goodness for libraries, because I think they have a program in place to help me, hopefully.

---Weeks went by before I wrote what comes next...---

I've been attending weekly one-on-one coaching sessions for the past 3 weeks. They've helped me get motivated to search for jobs once a week, at least. They've taught me that my circular arguments I often have with myself are "thinking traps." Not sure I know how to get out of those thinking traps, but still, knowing is the first step, right?

To give you, dear reader, an example of my thinking traps they tend to consist of the following:

"I need to make more money. I also need a job to replace nannying because they aren't going to need me for much longer." *proceed to never want to search for jobs and when I do only find jobs I have no desire to do, or scams, or things I'm unqualified for.* "All these jobs suck. I'm not qualified for anything I want to do. Learning how to do that costs money. I don't have the money for that. No job is going to want to teach me all that. Fuck this." etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Anyway, the coaching sessions have shown me that I'm really happy in my day-to-day life right now... I just want to make more money so that I can do fun things and progress. That's it. I am proud of my jobs and I'm good at my jobs. I enjoy the schedule and support they give me. I just need to make more money. Kirsten, my coach, has tried to help me focus only on the things I can control. I can't control the economy or the lack of pay being offered in most jobs. I can demand more money in my future job interviews. That is certainly something that everyone, especially women, need to start doing more of, clearly. It's also somehow, something I, at least, was never told I "had the right" to do. I don't know why that's in quotes. No one said that to me word-for-word. But somehow, we all got that impression right? Or is it a Texas culture thing? If only salaries were required to be listed on job postings, as is now law in NY.

Knowing and acknowledging our own value is another thing we need to start doing. I don't have a lot of the skills that I want or think I need, but I do still have skills and the desire/willingness to learn new things. I am a responsible, capable adult and I need to fight for myself. I am curious and intelligent. I am reliable. I am hardworking. I am generally really great at interacting with the public, as long as they're not insane jerks. I acknowledge my faults and work on them constantly.

A big part of me wants to get the FUCK out of Texas... mostly for political reasons, but also just to spread my fucking wings and experience other, hopefully less toxic, cultures. However, I also LOVE being a part of my niblings lives. Just last night, Ky invited me to a play at their school and it was awesome. I ended up taking all three of them. And tonight, Keren and I are seeing Into The Woods at Texas State. Moments like that would be very few and FAR between if I were to move away. If I could make them all move with me, I would.

A compromise to that is finding a job that pays enough for me to visit, and then actually doing that on a regular basis. Seems unlikely, but I can dream.

Anyway, that's my life right now. How are things with you?

Caring too much?

It has proven difficult for me to stay positive in life. I was once an extremely happy, positive, friendly person. I feel that to many I still come across that way, even though in my own head, I've become much more cynical and realistic about the world and life in general. All the problems with the world (of which there is an endless amount) wear on me, personally. I know I shouldn't feel responsible, but part of me does because I am a part of the human race. We are all connected (I genuinely believe that. I can feel that.) and so the failures, selfishness, and general hate of the entire world impact me. I believe they impact everyone whether they admit/ focus/ realize it or not.

And I'm not just talking about the big, nationally covered horrors. I'm talking about the one's we don't even know about. The one's our money grubbing, drama seeking media doesn't bother to cover. The horrors that happen every day with OR without our knowledge, as well as the small acts of ignorant, selfish behavior we witness on a daily basis.

I am saying that they effect us emotionally, mentally, and physically. And it's never going to stop. I and we all just have to learn how to deal with it... and I'm currently failing greatly at dealing with it.

The only thing I claim to be good at is people. Not necessarily personally, but with the general public, hence all my jobs being in some way involved in customer service... and this is probably why I'm cracking under the weight of it all, because I really do care about people. Every single one. I think that's one of my best qualities and therefore, one I never want to lose. But I probably need to lose it a little bit, because it's driving me crazy.

But I care too much for my own good. Nothing I think about doing seems good enough, because it won't really solve the problems with the world.

I could volunteer at an animal shelter... That would help that one shelter's dogs, and hopefully be helpful to the people who work there.
I could, someday, if I can ever afford it, become a foster parent... but that would only help a few of the children in need, not all.
The list goes on forever. And I know, logically, that every little act of kindness matters, just as every horribly act little or big matters. Somehow, I still get stuck. Perhaps it's the age of the internet and being able to constantly see how many awful situations there are out there to solve just makes me far too overwhelmed.

There are faults in every thing; even the great things. This is part of life, right? Taking the good with the bad. I don't know about you, but that's something I definitely need to work on.

I also need to stop letting the fact that I can't solve all the world's problems stop me from trying to help with any of them. One person is significant. I just watched Antz with the girls and was reminded of that. *wink* Seriously, it's funny how often those kid films provide comforting reminders for me as an adult. I guess we try to build our kids up and then as we grow to being adults we all get so used to complaining to each other about everything that we forget about the good in the world/ the good in ourselves. Don't deny it. It's not just me. You all have friends who like to complain instead of productively solve the issues in their lives, often because they're too in denial to face them. And news flash, dude... maybe you're one of them.

...I could be a Psychologist... but I could be lots of things, as could we all. Let's all start with being happy, occasionally.

Hello, loves.

I have not written in here in far too long. You've probably forgotten I had this blog. I almost did. Luckily, my mother remembers, and apparently reads it. (Thanks, Mom.) I'm not a great writer, but it is great therapy, and it's fun, so I need to get in the practice of doing it on a regular basis. One site I'd like to start using more for that is hitRECord.org. If you haven't heard of it, it's an amazing website where artists of ALL different kinds can get online and collaborate, and even possibly earn money for their work. They post weekly writing challenges, and there are tons of opportunities to get involved. Mostly, I just get on there and read/ watch/ listen to things, but if I do write anything there, I'll try to remember to post it in here as well for y'all to see.

An update on life since I last wrote: I live in my own apartment now. (Hurrah!!) It's been a long time coming, and it hasn't been easy, but I've been very lucky. My first roommate moved out about 2 months after I moved in, and my new roommate has been incredible, but sadly, she's leaving as well to go to school in another city. She's become a dear friend to me, and I'll never stop being grateful to have had her in my life, especially during this difficult time.

Work has been truly draining. It really has been pulling me under for a while. Our store manager wasn't really doing her job or taking care of us. We've been running on 4 shift managers for months at the busiest store in the area. Not only did we only have 4 shift managers (you need at least 3 different managers every day), but we've been incredibly understaffed with barista's as well; constantly expected to get a million things done without the physical number of bodies to do them. There's no way I can communicate what that was like, except to compare it to overwhelming stress and depression. I'm a new manager, and was thrown in with almost no training. Considering my personality, I think I've done pretty well, perhaps just out of sheer determination. God knows, I haven't loved my job for a long time. Anyway, at the time, we kept telling her we needed more people, and she kept telling us, we weren't earning more people, and that we just needed to work harder. Now that we have a new store manager, I know that must not have been true. The first thing our store manager is doing is getting us more fully staffed, thank the Lord. She's also listening to  us, and what we need. We talked yesterday, and she knows that maybe the most important thing is taking care of her employees so that they love their job... she knows that that is the best we to make the WANT to work hard and WANT to do their job and WANT to stay at her store. Imagine that. Anyway, I realize now how traumatized I've been, and how thinly we've been stretched for so long. Thank God all this is being taken care of in time for the holidays. I don't know how we would have ever managed. We weren't really managing before.

All that said, I've been pretty miserable. I just gained financial independence (barely), so I'm heavily dependent on that job. Yes, I've been looking for other jobs, and applied at several. Luckily, work is getting better, because obviously, none of those came to fruition. But, even though work still isn't perfect, just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... knowing that it is getting better.... just that is pulling me out of my funk. I'm starting to feel like myself again: that silly, passionate girl with big dreams and no plans. I may not have a plan, but it's still FAR better than the desperate hopeless nothing that I've been feeling. It's making me want to try again, and that's how everything starts, right?

I wish my amazing roommate/ friend could stick around now that work is getting better. Hopefully, I'll have the strength now to start working on all the things I want to work on and become a better person because of it; the one I want to be and know I could be. God knows what's best though; she's going to school for nursing and if all that works out for her, she's going to be the best damn nurse in the world.

I'm finding my determination again. For now, I need to focus on teaching myself all the things I want to learn: German, piano, painting, cooking, photography... writing... lol. If I don't start making those things a regular part of my life, I know I'll lose my soul. Dramatic, I know, but that's the only way I know how to put it. Those things are a part of me. Just like singing and performing, which I also desperately need to get back into. I'm not saying I'm good at any of them. I'm not saying any of them will make me money one day, though it sure would be nice if they did. All I know is that, aside from the people I love, which will always be of primary importance, these things... these beautiful, artistic expressions, are all that I see worth living for. And so, here I go...

Pray for me, as I will for thee. I love you all.

Passion vs. the World

I like to say I'm artistic. I've been called artistic by people close to me throughout my life. Does that make it so?

I love art in all of its forms. Love. And I mean that, passionately. Surely, anyone who truly knows me can attest to that. And yet, I don't do very much art at all.

Why do I allow that?
How does one allow the mundane, daily actions necessary in "life" to become bigger than your passion?

I've dabbled in many passions. I grew up in a musical family, and therefore always had that as a basis, but was consistently associated with color and expression as well, and as I grew, developed a passion for many other art forms...

But dabbling isn't enough. To be great, one has to throw yourself into it, with every tiny atom of your being.

It's so much easier to look at what other people have done and give up on oneself; to say, "Well, I'll never be *that* good, so what's the point?" Especially in this day and age where there are more videos, songs, clips, stories, biographies, photographs than one could ever possibly view or read or listen to in a lifetime.

All that thought makes me wish for is an endless lifetime.

I want to see the Exposition of 1900. I want to listen to Hitler give a speech and see if I would be one of the millions blinded by his propaganda. I want to experience Rome, Ancient Greece, and the life of Jesus all for myself. Who wouldn't? My hope is that in Heaven, I will finally be able to see all of those things.

But regardless of that, I only have one life here on Earth. Rationally, I know that, and yet I put more energy into "resting up" for my shitty little customer service jobs than I would ever care to admit.

It's a choice. It's a choice to give up on oneself and settle... or not.

I'm ashamed of my settling. I hope that in writing this, I will be giving myself a slap in the face to wake up and do what I love before it's too late....

But not so deep down, I know that daily life will get the better of me. I'll realize that I have to pay the bills, and tell myself that maybe I'm being selfish for wanting all this passion in my life.

How fucked up is that?!

I don't have the answer. My "answer" is to tell myself to follow my heart instead of my head.... and then to continue paying the bills and playing by the rules like a good little girl, just hoping that my opportunity for greatness will sneak up on me one day, and suddenly, I'll finally feel a sense of absolution: like I have actually managed to live my life to the best of my ability.

Walls

People often test my limits. When I confront them about it, they just say that it's fun.

I'm pretty much an open book, and some people are REALLY good at reading me. And MANY people throughout my life have done and continue to do this with me. I'm just a naturally trusting person, and it's gotten me hurt in the past.

This fact has caused me to become very defensive and maybe miss out on what could be some great friendships.

I found this article (that unfortunately revolves around horoscopes) but it pretty much hits the nail on the head for me:

"Sensitive. Any critique can seem like an especially scathing remark to her though she may not verbalize it. Her heart has noted any wounds to it as an indelible memory until it can have its vindication. She has a connection with history and likes to show it with a display of a collection of antiques or old portraits or paintings in her home. This appeals to her sense of continuity. She likes a strong sense of security in life and love. In a partner she expects stability and you will need to court her romantically. She will be passionate and faithful once she’s yours. Whoever coined the phrase “Ride or Die” was probably referring to a Cancer woman. Her loyalty seems to know no bounds. Her devoted nature and desire to please her partner make her one of the most satisfying sexual partners of the zodiac. She has to know that she can trust you before she will let go of her inhibitions. Doting on her partner is not limited to the bedroom. She loves to, and can cook well and keeps a tidy home making her an excellent housewife if she so chooses. If you are in search of a sensual, loving partner who makes you feel at home Cancer is your answer."

Also, I don't know how Billy Joel knows me so well:

Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
I'm not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I'm only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away
But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above going through it again
I'm not above being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
That's your decision
But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love
I'm not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I'm not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

So, in conclusion…
Fear of getting hurt has kind of crippled me. I'm not sure how I got here exactly, but I know I need to let go and start trusting people again. Even new people. Scary. But until I do that, I know I'll be missing out on a lot of great relationships.

Also, I don't know why I can't get rid of that text highlight.

Fuck this

My mind is reeling in confusion and anger. I'm not sure what I'm angry about, I just know that I need to figure out what to do, and I've been trying to do just that for years and seem to get absolutely fucking nowhere. All I do is change my mind and tear myself down. Joe says I should just do and stop thinking so much, and maybe he's right, but I don't know what I should do first. The first big choice I have to make is either to go back to school or to get a better job, but if I go back to school I need to fucking decide and get on it 'cause it's already June. Great timing, Candace; you dip-shit. I guess I just need to relax and take it one step at a time, but dear God, I'm running out of time and this is exhausting. I can't stay in this place forever, nor do I want to... in fact I cannot wait to get the fuck out, and yet I have no idea how to move on.

I'm sure all this is coming out and I'm feeling so angry right now because I'm on my fucking period. Whatever caused God to decide to torture women this way... this is bullshit. Our hormones are just allowed to go insane once a month? How are we supposed to stay rational and get shit done this way??? Why'd you give us these crazy hormone's God? When I get to heaven, that may be the one thing I ask you. It's all I care about right now, anyway. They're evil. I don't know what we did that guys didn't do to deserve this... is it all just because Eve listened to Satan and ate that fucking Apple? 'Cause that was her, not me!! ugh. Fuck this.